The Grownups in, "Macho Man"

By Dwayne Anderson

It was Thursday afternoon at the Deville house. Howard and Betty were sitting on the couch watching a wrestling match.

Howard compared himself to the wrestlers on tv. He practically had no muscle to him. His wife had alot more muscle than him, and she was a woman!

"I don't see how they can get muscles like that" said Howard. "I don't got any."

"Well just do what I do" said Betty. "Go to the gym and work out."

"Ok" said Howard, "I will."

A little later, Howard was at the gym with his friends Stu, Chazz, Drew, and Lou. The five men began to work out. Stu, Chazz, Drew, and Lou were in great shape, while Howard quickly tuckered out.

At the end of the day, Howard and his friends sat around the kitchen table.

"Lets face it everybody" he said, "I'm a wimp!"

"Howard, alot of people in the world are wimps, and they became great people" said Stu.

"Of course" said Chazz, "you've brought up two wonderful children. Who else could have done that?"

Just then, Betty came into the kitchen.

"Howie, we have the answer to your problem!" said Betty. "Come watch the tv."

Everyone went into the living room to watch tv.

A commercial came onto the screen.

"Have you ever wondered if you're a real man or a wimp? Do you have a hard time working out? Then come make an appearance on "Just For Men", ' the show for real macho men! Hosted by Red Green and originating from Hollywood. Tomorrow at 8, 7 Central. Brought to you in part by Alamo Beer -- Remember The Alamo, Alamo Beer."

"There's your answer" said Drew.

"Start drinking the beer that Hank Hill drinks?", said Howard.

Drew said, "No, no; appear as a guest on 'Just For Men'."

"Ok" said Howard. "I'll do it! I'll appear on that show!"

"Why don't all you guys make an appearance on that show?" asked Kira.

"That's a great idea!" said Chazz.

"Yep," said Stu.

"Yep," said Drew.

"Yep," said Lou.

"Mm-hmm," said Howard.

That night, Howard kept thinking about his upcoming appearance on "Just For Men". He even had a dream where everyone in the audience laughed at his lack of muscle and then began to repeatedly call him a "wimp".

Howard also had a secret in his life that he had kept from everyone all his life. Someday, he would tell everyone.

The next day, everyone was sitting in the audience at the studio where the show would be taped. Howard, Stu, Drew, Chazz, and Lou were backstage awaiting their turn to appear on stage.

The "Just For Men" theme began to play.

The announcer said, "From Hollywood, the talk show that is just for men, it's 'Just For Men'! And here's your host, just for men, Red Green!

Everyone applauded as a man with a fishing cap, a scraggly gray beard and red & green suspenders came onto the stage and sat on one of the two chairs.

"Good evening folks, and welcome to 'Just For Men', the show where men talk about manly topics. Now let's get this show started by bringing out my first guest. He's over seventy, he's a former professional wrestler, and a father and grandfather. Meet Lou Pickles!"

The audience applauded as Lou came onto the stage and sat in the other chair.

"Welcome. So Lou, tell us about yourself. What great manly things have you done in your life?"

"Well I used to be a professional wrestler known as the `Pretzel Maker'" said Lou.

"Big deal" said Red. "Now Lou have you ever tried the dangerous and most brutal sport known to man?"

"Wrestling?" asked Lou.

"Swimming" said Red. "It's a cheap excuse to put your hair up into a bun and wearing a tight fitting bathing suit."

Lou said, "Swimming as a sport didn't exist when I was young."

"Lou, Wrestling is passe."


"The truth is, wrestling's merely an excuse to dress up in spandex, show off your muscles and bust chairs over people's heads! Now go on, get off the stage!"

Lou walked off the stage.

Red said, "We'll try to find more men, after this brief message."

The announcer said, "'Just For Men' is brought to you by 'Just For Men' haircolor -- get rid of the gray in 5 minutes; and by Alamo Beer -- remember the Alamo, Alamo Beer."

After the commercial...

Red said, "Meet our next guest, he's over thirty, he's an inventor, and the younger son of our previous guest, Meet Stu Pickles!"

Everyone applauded as Stu came onto the stage and sat in the other chair.

"So Stu, tell us about your accomplishments."

"Well I've invented many great gizmos and built a giant reptar robot for EuroReptarland."

"Is that it?" asked Red.

"I've also won several ribbons on the swim team when I was younger, and won awards for freestyle swimming."

"You mentioned that you went swimming and won ribbons for it?" said Red.

"Why yes" said Stu.

"Were you able to jump off the high dive?"

"Uh, no, not exactly. Until receltly, I was always scared stiff when I used the high dive board."

Shaking his head, Red turned to the audience, pointed his finger at Stu, and chuckled, "and he calls himself an athlete?!"

Everyone laughed.

"Stu, the fact is, if you can't use a high dive, you can't swim! Get outta here!"

Stu went off the stage.

Red said, "Ok now let's meet our next guest! He's also in his thirties, is an investment banker, and is the older brother of our previous guest and the son of the guest before that. Let us welcome, Drew Pickles!"

Everyone clapped as Drew went onto the stage and sat.

"So Drew, tell us about yourself."

"Well, I work as a banker."

"Have you ever tried anything dangerous?"

"Like what?"

"Swimming. That's where the action is!"

"No I've never tried that."

"As a British woman once said, 'You are the weakest link. Goodbye!'"

After Drew got off the stage, Red said, "We got time for our next guest -- a former bureaucrat who now works as a coffee shop owner. Please welcome Chazz Finster!"

Everyone clapped as Chazz went onto the stage.

Chazz sat on the stage.

"Chazz, have you ever done anything dangerous?"

"Well I almost married Coco LaBouche years ago."

Everybody laughed.

"Chazz, anyone who almost married a woman like has never felt better after swimming in over six feet of cool water."

"What are you talking about?" asked Chazz.

"Swimming, the most dangerous sport known to man."

"I've never tried that" said Chazz.

"Go home, and don't let the door hit your rear end!"

Chazz went off the stage.

Red said, "We'll be right back."

A minute of commercials followed, then the show returned.

The announcer said, "'Just For Men' has been brought to you by Alamo Beer -- remember the Alamo, Alamo Beer; and by Slim Jim beef jerky -- Hungry? Snap into a Slim Jim. And now, back to Red."

"We have time for one more guest" said Red. "Unfortunately, one of our reliable assistants used this card as a coaster and left a lovely coffee ring over the vital descriptions, so I'll just introduce him -- Howard Deville!"

Everyone applauded as Howard came onto the stage.

"Nice to be here Red" said Howard.

"Right!" said Red.

Howard was nervous. Tonight, he would finally reveal his secret.

"Howard, have you ever had to urge to try something new?"

"Well I was on the swim team when I was younger. But I never won any ribbons. All the kids would call me a wimp because of my lack of muscle."

"Have you ever tried a real sport to prove your manhood to everyone?"

"Such as?"

"The most brutal sport known to mankind."

"You mean Swimming" said Howard.

"Right" said Red.

"This is it!" thought Howard. "Time to tell the secret!"

He then said something that shocked his family and friends.

"I love Swimming!"

"You do?" asked Red.

"Absolutely!" said Howard. "You get to wear a geeky rubber cap, and swim repeatedly against the clock! And yes, I dove off a 50-foot high dive in a high school competition! And while I never won any ribbons for swimming, I did win a gold medal for high diving at the state championships! They said my thin, frail body was perfect for high dives -- it's just like putting a needle through some Jello."

"Finally a real man!" said Red. "Howard, you're alright! Comes to prove that nerds like you can be macho too. Thanks for being on our show."

"Sure thing," said Howard.

Red went on, "And that's our show for this week. Next week, we'll meet a few manly men with another dangerous sport known to man -- Monopoly. Also, by request, some of the things you can do with the handyman's secret weapon -- duct tape. And, we'll meet one of the toughest leaders known to man -- the "Master Of 'The Hollywood Squares'", Peter Marshall. Until next time, this is Red Green reminding you to keep your stick on the ice. Goodnight."

As everyone drove home, Betty said to Howard, "we didn't know you loved swimming."

"I was real good at it when I was younger" said Howard.

"For a wimpy looking guy, you're alright" said Stu.

Howard smiled. Finally, he was a real macho man.

The End

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