Webmaster's Note:
Venture is an actual, weekly financial program seen Sunday nights on CBC Television in Canada, and at various times on its news channel, CBC Newsworld. Robert Scully was the former host of Venture. The story presented below features a Royal Canadian Air Farce version of the person.
It was a beautiful spring night in town. It was sometime in the middle of the night. Everyone was asleep in their beds.
Everyone that is, except Drew Pickles.
Drew was busy talking to his new broker. Several months ago, Drew had invested his money in rare fruits growing on the island of Martinique. Tomorrow, Drew's broker would pay a visit to town and deliver the results of the investment. With the money he would earn with the fruits on market, Drew could finally retire in luxury and buy Angelica a pony.
The broker in question was a man named Robert Scully, a financier that he saw in a financial program on CBC Television, which he gets as part of a Canadian satellite service that Mr. Yamaguchi, president of the Reptar Corporation, arranged for everybody. He gave the Pickles, the Finsters, the DeVilles and the Carmichaels free receivers and a free subscription, all paid for by the company. They were gifts for the 10 years of success of Reptarland Canada, which became Canada's top theme park.
At least, Drew thought the program he saw was a financial program, even though everything the host said was accompanied with laughter from the audience.
"Thank you Mr. Scully. I'll see you tomorrow afternoon at my house. Good night."
He hung up the phone.
"I'm soon going to be in the money!" he said excitedly. "I'd buy Angelica the pony she's always wanted, a new house for myself and Charlotte. And for pop, a boat...a really big boat!"
He stopped and paused to think.
"The Titanic" he mumbled.
He yawned. "Well...time for bed. Tomorrow is a big day for me and my family."
He went upstairs and climbed into bed.
The next morning, a beautiful Saturday morning, Drew called his brother Stu, his father, and all his friends to come meet him in his living room later that day. He ate his breakfast and drank his orange juice.
Later that day, at about 4:30 p.m, Drew, Charlotte, Angelica, and their friends sat in the living room of the house.
"Man, I'm so nervous" said Drew. "The thought of so much money invested could go down the drain if something went wrong."
"Relax Drew" said Charlotte.
"Who is this new broker of yours?" asked Stu.
"His name is Robert. He's the host of a Canadian television show called Venture, said Drew. It comes on every Friday at 9PM. "He is a bit weird, but he's a really nice guy. And we both have one thing in common -- we like money."
Just then, the doorbell rang.
"I'll get it!" said Drew. "That must be him!"
He answered the front door. A few minutes later, he returned to the living room and sat down on the couch with his wife.
"Here he is everyone! My new broker!"
A young man came into the living room. He had light blonde hair and wore a suit and tie complete with black leather shoes.
"Hello I'm Robert Scully and I like money!"
Everyone started laughing. Robert's voice sounded higher than normal.
"I like money so much, I wear a money belt at all times very tightly, which explains this voice!"
Everyone laughed.
"2001 has been a big year for business. Stock buyers went bankrupt and had to lay off all their staff. And the banks made a huge profit because they laid off all their staff" said Robert.
"Aren't you that guy from the Air Farce?" asked Didi.
"Yeah" said Robert.
Didi asked Drew, "Isn't Air Farce on at 9PM on Friday Nights? In the middle of CBC's comedy block?"
"I didn't notice," said Drew.
Robert sat down and asked, "Drew, what are your investment plans?"
"I invested in a new fruit known as the Martinique Pink Melon. The producers are currently thinking of a better name, so for now, they're sticking with the Martinique Pink Melon. As the name says, they grow on the island of Martinique in rich farmland near the slopes of Mt. Pelee. Soon, the melons will be ready for harvest. Once they're on the market, I'll make quite a fortune" said Drew.
"Are you sure you know what you're doing bro?" asked Stu.
"Of course" said Drew. "Anyway, as I was saying, these fruits are very sweet in flavor and smooth in texture. I even made a visit to Martinique last weekend and got to taste one. The season has been quite a success."
"Hey where do you keep all your money?" asked Robert.
"I beg your pardon?" asked Drew.
"Where do you stash your loot? You must have millions!"
"Not really" said Drew.
"Where do you keep it all? Under your bed? In your closet? In your pants?"
Drew responded, "Robert, this has nothing to do with my personal finance situation. And besides, the best place to keep your money is in a bank."
Drew then noticed that Robert was quietly singing "Money, money, money".
"What are you doing?" he asked.
"Me? Nothing" said Robert.
"You were singing."
"Hey I got a question" said Robert. "Why is the Mint called the Mint?"
"Because it mints money" said Drew.
"Why doesn't it mint mints?" asked Robert. "There's good money in mints."
"The Mint is set up to mint money, not mints" said Drew.
"Well it could mint mints in the shape of money. Then you can have your money and eat it too." (rimshot)
Robert began to quietly sing again.
"Will you stop it?!" said Drew. "You're driving me crazy!"
Robert responded, "You have admitted what we've always suspected -- you're crazy. That explains the bank's interest rates." (rimshot)
Everyone laughed, except Drew.
Now Robert was chanting "We will, we will RockYou".
"What are doing now?" asked Drew.
"I'm singing. Geez. All this money and you can't afford a radio."
"Hold your tongue Robert. I want to speak now" said Drew.
"Oh, sthorry" said Robert as he clutched his tongue. (rimshot)
Everyone laughed so hard, some of them fell over in their seats.
Robert let go of his tongue.
"Now see here Robert!" started Drew.
Robert started looking all over the room. "Where?" (rimshot)
Everyone laughed, except Drew.
"Anyways, with the money I'll earn from the fruits from the stock market, I'll be able to retire in luxury and finally buy my little princess the pony she's always wanted."
"Thanks daddy!" said Angelica.
"Also, with the money, I'll be able to buy myself and Charlotte a new..."
But before Drew could finish, Robert interupted. "Where does your brother keep his money?"
"I demand to know what revelence my brother's financial situation has here!" said Drew.
"Are you kidding?" asked Robert. "He must have money coming out of his ears. There's enough room in there!"
Everyone laughed, except Stu and Drew.
"Robert...just get to the point. How are the fruits?"
"Great!" said Robert. "Once they get on the market, you'll make a sh-..."
He stopped. "A...truckload...of money."
"Having more money is more important these days" said Drew. "The price of everything keeps going up. I'd like to see something go down."
"Let me just go get my report card" said Angelica. (rimshot)
"Even the price of gas is increasing" said Drew.
"I know a way on how people can save gas" said Charlotte. "They can just take the bus."
"That doesn't make any sense" said Robert. "If everyone drove their own bus, they would use more gas than they do today."
Everyone laughed, except Drew, who is fuming.
"I've had about enough as I can take of your nonsense Robert!" shouted Drew.
Robert checked his notepad which he had been keeping track of Drew's temper. He had drawn a thermometer shaped object. Near the top, was the words "All I can take". Ever since he came, Robert had secretly filled in the thermometer each time Drew became annoyed. The thermometer was half filled.
"Sorry" said Robert as he turned back to Drew. "You're still too low. You'll have to take some more." (rimshot)
Everyone laughed hysterically, except Drew. Robert closed his notepad.
"Anyways, the season has been a major success and harvest time is near" said Robert.
"That's great" said Drew.
"Mr Scully, I have a question" said Tommy.
"What is it young man?" asked Robert.
"You mentioned that these plants grow near the slopes of Mt. Pelee right?" asked Tommy.
"That's right" said Robert. "I almost forgot. I do have some bad news."
"What is it?" asked Drew.
Robert cleared his throat.
"Last night around midnight, Mt. Pelee erupted, sending a cloud of ash rising 10 miles into the atmosphere. Seconds later, an ash cloud rolled down the mountain's slopes, right into the field where the melons grow. The field is now covered in nine inches of ash. Every melon has been destroyed."
Those words struck Drew like a sledgehammer on the head.
"I recieved the news from the farmer who grew them" said Robert. "He witnessed the whole disaster."
"Drew" said Stu. "How much did you invest in these fruits?"
Drew hesitated. Then, he finally spoke.
"All of it."
Everyone gasped.
"I'm ruined!" cried Drew. "I'm broke! Penniless!"
"Not only that" said Robert. "The Stock Market crashed. Looks like tomorrow, you'll have to start eating your assets for breakfast."
Robert stood. "Well, we've had a great meeting. I must be going now. Remember, I'm Robert Scully. And I like money!"
"And I hate you!", said Drew.
Robert took his leave.
"I can't believe it" said Drew. "I'm bankrupt. How was I supposed to know that Mt. Pelee was a volcano?"
"Does this mean I don't get my pony?" asked Angelica.
"I'm afraid not Angelica" said Drew.
"What's going to happen next?" asked Charlotte.
Just then, the doorbell rang. Drew answered it.
"Good afternoon Mr. Pickles" said the man outside. "I'm your income tax agent. I noticed that you are late in your tax payment. When can we expect payment?"
"I'm afraid never" said Drew. "I lost all my money investing in those fruits on Martinique destroyed by Mt. Pelee's fury."
"I'm sorry to hear that Mr. Pickles" said the tax agent. "Since you cannot pay your bill, I'm afraid we'll have to foreclose on your house. You and your family have until tomorrow to move out."
"Yes sir" sighed Drew. He closed the door.
Back in the living room, everyone heard the bad news.
"You had to ask didn't you mom?" said Angelica.
That evening, Drew, Charlotte, and Angelica packed their belongings into Charlotte's van.
"What are we going to do?" asked Drew. "I've lost all my money, I've lost our house, and now I've lost my dignity. It can't get any worse than this!"
Just then, Charlotte's phone rang. Charlotte answered it.
"Hello. What's that? You wanna talk to my husband? Ok."
She handed the phone to Drew.
"Hello" said Drew.
He listened for a while on the phone. It was his boss at the bank where he worked.
"You're letting me go?" exclaimed Drew. "But sir, I need my job! I've lost my entire fortune!"
Drew's boss hung up.
Drew turned off the cell phone.
"I stand corrected" said Drew.
Just then, it began to rain.
"Oh great!" sighed Drew.
"Well, a little rough weather never hurt anybody" said Charlotte.
"People on the Titanic will be glad to hear that" said Angelica.
Just then, Stu came walking up the road carrying an umbrella.
"Bro, me, Didi, pop, and all our friends talked it over, and we've decided that you and your family are welcome to stay at our house until you get back on your feet."
"Thanks bro" said Drew. "I knew I could count on you."
"Come on" said Stu. "We'll all help you put your stuff into my house."
Charlotte then said, "And I still am CEO of MergeCorp. I can arrange special funding to pay the taxman, so we could save the house. And I have my own investments, so we could bring our finances back up to par. I pulled strings before for the family, and I can do it again."
"Knew I can count on you, hon," said Drew.
"Great!" sighed Angelica. "I'll be spending the rest of my life with my dumb cousins! This is all your fault Mr. Scully!"
"Princess, everything will be alright now" said Drew. "Just wait and see. Something will turn up!"
Angelica said, "If you say so dad. But promise me one thing..."
"What is it?" said Drew.
She said, "Never, ever get financial advice from the Air Farce again. They're just as valuable for financial advice as the comics section in the newspaper."
Drew responded, "Wish I found that out earlier."
After the rain stopped, everyone helped Drew and Charlotte bring the boxes containing their belongings inside.
"I got this one" said Charlotte as she began to lift a box. But somehow, she couldn't get it off the ground.
"Let me get it" said Betty. She lifted the box off the ground with ease and carried it into Stu and Didi's home.
"Ok" said Charlotte.
Drew began to pick up another box.
"Man, this box is heavy" he said.
Kimi came walking up to Drew. To Drew's suprise and amazement, she picked it up.
Drew was amazed.
"Many thanks Kimi" he said.
"You're welcome" said Kimi as she carried it into the house.
Finally, Drew and Charlotte's belongings were inside the Pickle's home. Everyone gathered into the kitchen for a meeting.
"I never thought I would see the day when my brother would go bankrupt" said Stu.
"You were always jealous of the way I made money" said Drew. "But now little brother, I need you."
"We're with you brother" said Stu.
"I can't believe I lost all my money because of that stupid mountain!" said Drew.
"Kids, what do you know about Mt. Pelee?" asked Stu.
"Well, it destroyed the city of St. Pierre in 1902" said Tommy.
"And only two people survived" said Lil.
"It hasn't erupted for almost a hundred years" said Phil.
"Make that eighteen hours, forty five minutes, and forty four seconds" said Dil.
"Oh right" said Phil.
"But how am I going to get the money I need to save the house?" asked Drew. "I'm penniless."
Angelica reached into her pocket and pulled out a penny.
"Here dad" she said. "You can have this penny."
"Now you're not penniless anymore" said Dil. (rimshot)
"I appreciate your offer princess" said Drew, "but you've got to save your money for your future."
"What about your savings?" asked Didi.
"I lost those too" said Drew.
"What about credit?" asked Howard.
"Nope" said Drew.
"Exactly where did you get all your money?" asked Didi.
"I earned it" said Drew. "Before I met Charlotte, I used to gamble a little and get lucky. You could say I squeezed every penny."
Kimi took a penny from her pocket. To everyone's suprise, she clenched it in her fist.
"I'm squeezing. I'm squeezing it."
"I don't mean like that Kimi" said Drew.
Suddenly, he stopped. "That's it!" he said.
"What is?" asked Stu.
"We could enter Kimi in one of those contests for strong for boys and girls!"
"Huh?" asked Chas and Kira.
"Just look at Kimi, she's so strong, she could win big bucks for me!" said Drew.
"Drew, we won't allow you to use Kimi for your own selfish needs" said Stu.
"Agreed" said Kira.
"Well, ok" said Drew.
"Drew, I still have my job" said Charlotte. "I could earn the income from now."
"But we need to think of more ways to earn money" said Drew. "I can't think, maybe I'll go watch some tv."
He went into the living room, sat on the couch, picked up the remote, and turned on the television.
"This is CNBC, with the latest in financial news from around the world. Today, the second great depression came when the stock market crashed."
The tweenage rugrats came into the living room and sat on the couch.
"Watching television uncle?" asked Tommy.
"Yes" sighed Drew.
"This is not a good channel" said Tommy as he took the remote.
"Yes" said Drew. "Feel free to change the channel."
Tommy changed the channel.
"Todays top story, Mt. Pelee erupted last night, destroying a field of melons that California's richest man Drew Pickles invested in. The eruption caused Mr. Pickles to go bankrupt."
"Change it" said Drew.
Lil took the remote and changed the channel.
"Ladies, is your hair limp and lifeless? Then try our great new product..."
Phil took the remote and changed the channel.
"You're watching the food network, the channel for people too lazy to get up and go to the refridgerator."
Kimi took the remote and changed the channel. On the next channel was a program where a detective was punching several crooks out with his bare fists.
"Oh boy!" said Kimi. "I love Mannix!"
Chuckie took the remote and changed the channel.
"Hey, I was watching that!" said Kimi.
"You've already seen it" said Chuckie.
"Oh" said Kimi.
"Are you broke? Are you short on cash? Then give me a call and be on the road to riches once again. Call 555-RICH."
Drew saw this as his chance. He rushed to the phone and called the number.
Thirty minutes later, a young man came into the living room where everyone else sat.
"Hello, I am Tom Vu, and I am richer than all you losers!"
Some people giggled.
"You've never seen so much money as I got tucked away in my shorts!"
"We don't wanna see" said Stu.
"I do!" said Drew. "After all, I called him over."
"Here is a man who took my money advice and ended up rich" said Tom Vu as he inserted a tape into the VCR.
On the screen appeared a young short pudgy man watering the plants.
"I used Tom Vu's method's and now, I am rich. I owe it all to one man. Now what was his name?"
"Tom Vu you moron" whispered a voice.
"Oh right" said the man. "I owe it all to Tom Vu you moron." (rimshot)
Everyone laughed.
Tom Vu turned off the VCR and television.
"I gave advice to everyone who needed cash. Take my brother Lu Vu. Now, he's mayor of Vancouver!"
Everyone applauded.
"Lu Vu has a teenage son, who goes by the initials "C.K.". With my money, I helped him buy his first TV station in Vancouver. And it became so successful, he puts his name and age on it, though he prefers to use lower-case letters, with no spaces. Quite a success story for Lu Vu's son, ckvu13.
Everybody laughed.
"And there's my other brother Deja!"
Everyone looked puzzled.
"Sounds like I already told you about Deja Vu!" said Tom Vu.
Everyone laughed hysterically.
"As a matter of fact, because I made thousands of people in Canada stinking rich in a matter of days, people call me 'Express Vu'!", Tom Vu said.
Stu replied, "Isn't there a Canadian satellite service called ExpressVu?"
Tom Vu answered, "Now I know why I'm so popular up there."
"So Drew, tell us how you went broke" said Tom Vu.
"I invested money in those melons on Martinique that were destroyed when Mt. Pelee erupted."
"I'm terribly sorry Mr. Pickles" said Tom Vu, "but I can only offer you this advice for getting rich again."
"What is it?" asked Drew.
"In the future, don't invest at all in anything! Get a job!"
"That's all?" asked Drew.
"Well, I must be going now" said Tom Vu. "I have to go to my next appointment in Texas -- Willie Nelson spent all his money on the tax man and he is asking me for advice."
Drew asks, "What advice will you be giving him?"
Tom Vu replied, "Do you want fries with that?"
Everybody laughed as Tom Vu left.
"That was pointless" said Chuckie.
Suddenly, the phone began to ring.
Drew picked it up. "Hello?"
From the other end of the phone, came a familiar high voice.
"Hello, I'm Robert Scully and I like money!"
"You again?" asked Drew.
"Drew, I have a surprise and some good news for you. Tomorrow, I'll be at your house to tell you since I can't make it tonight."
"Make it my brother's house" said Drew. "I live there now."
"Ok" said Robert.
The next morning, after church, everyone gathered in the living room of the house. Robert Scully came into the living room.
"My financial word for today, pork bellies."
He stopped. "Ok, it's two words."
Mr. Scully then asked Stu, "Excuse me, but do you have a cassette player?"
"Sure", replied Stu.
Stu gave Scully the cassette player.
"Why do you need it?", asked Stu.
Scully replied, "Because the CBC requires me to play the following at various points of my speech."
Scully inserted a cassette tape and pushed "play". Pink Floyd's "Money", from "The Dark Side of the Moon" album, plays. Scully shuts it off after a few seconds.
"Sorry, wrong side," said Scully, who took the tape out and turned it over.
A short "Venture" theme began to play on the tape.
"That's better," said Robert. "Now, here to join me, is my brother Brad."
Another young man came into the living room.
"Hi Robert" said Brad.
Everyone laughed. Brad's voice sounded high, but funnier than Robert's.
"How's your money?" asked Brad.
"Pretty good" said Robert. "How's your money?"
"Good" said Brad.
"How's mom's money?" asked Robert.
"Oh, pretty good too" said Brad.
Robert says, "You know what Monty Python always says..."
They both sing:
"There is nothing quite as wonderful as money,
There is nothing quite as wonderful as cash,
Some people say it's folly,
But I'd rather have the lolly,
With money you can make a smash."
Robert sings, "You can keep your Marxist ways,"
Brad sings, "For it's only just a phase,"
Both sing, "Fot it's money, money, money, makes the world go round!"
Both chant, "money" repeatedly. Everybody applauded.
Robert says, "Ok Brad, we all know that recently, brankrupcy rates have gone higher than higher than our voices."
Everyone laughed.
"Guess how much money Drew has" said Robert.
"None" said Brad.
"Yeah" said Robert.
"What's the good news you wanted to tell me?" asked Drew.
"Here it is" said Robert. "The melons were destroyed by the eruption of Mt. Pelee, but the seeds were not."
"Huh?" asked Drew.
"The seeds were taken from the melons and were planted in another field far away from the volcano. Other seeds are now being sold on the market."
"So I'm not broke anymore!" said Drew. "I'm saved! Now I can save the house!"
"Yeah" said Robert and Brad. "We must be going now. Remember, we're the Scully brothers, and we like money!"
Brad and Robert left.
Drew rushed back to his house. He noticed that a muscular bald man was standing in the living room with the income tax agent.
"Mr. Income Tax Agent, I got your money!" said Drew.
"Great!" said the agent.
A little later, the transaction was completed. Drew once owned a house. Everyone was gathered in the living room.
"Who are you?" Drew asked the muscular man.
"I'm Smith" said the man. "But my fans call me Knucklehead Smith. I was the man who the agent was going to hire to destroy this house."
"Fans?" asked Chuckie.
"I'm a boxer" said Smith. "I've had forty fights and I've won them all. Most of them were won by knockouts."
As Smith spoke, Kimi put on his gloves.
"Wanna see some of my moves?" said Smith. He began to punch the air and perform uppercuts. Kimi did the same until she accidentally uppercutted Smith in the chin, knocking him down flat.
Everyone rushed to his side and looked down at him.
"I didn't mean it!" said Kimi.
A sly smile came onto Drew's face. "Are you guys thinking what I'm thinking?" he asked.
"Don't even think about it Drew" said everybody.
Drew grinned. It was good to be rich again.
"Actually, I'm so happy, I feel like singing!", said Drew.
Drew: "There is nothing quite as wonderful as money,"
Charlotte: "There is nothing quite as wonderful as cash,"
Didi: "Some people say it's folly,"
Angelica: "But I'd rather have the lolly,"
Tommy: "With money you can make a smash."
Drew: "It's not great being poor,"
Charlotte: "But with money, you live more,"
All: "For it's money, money, money, makes the world go round! Money,
Money, Money, Money, Money, Money, Money, Money..."
The End
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