The Tweenage Rugrats in: "All's Fair in Love and War"

By Dwayne Anderson

It was an early Thursday morning at Jim Jr. Jr. High School. The Rugrats were out in the hall opening their lockers and getting their books ready for History class.

Phil turned the dial on his locker. It wouldn't open. Nothing seemed to be going right for him today. At breakfast, his pancakes flipped so high up, they hit the ceiling. He had to wait for a new batch of pancakes. He also missed the school bus, so his mother had to drive him and Lil to school today. As a result, he was almost late for school.

At last, he opened his locker. He took out his textbook and notebook and closed his locker.

"You guys coming?" he asked as he walked down the hall.

"Be there in a minute" said Lil.

Phil continued to walk down the hall, keeping his eye on his friends. He didn't see where he was going and he bumped into something, knocking him and his books down.

"Ouch" he said.

He opened his eyes and looked up.

Standing over Phil was a beautiful girl slightly younger than him with  blonde hair tied back in a ponytail She wore a pink shirt,a yellow skirt, a red band in her hair and green shoes.

"I am so sorry" she said. "I am such a klutz."

She picked up Phil's books and gave them to him.

"Gee, thanks" said Phil as he stood.

Just then, a muscular 13 year old grabbed Phil by his shirt.

"Stay away from my girl!" he said. "If I catch you near her, I'm going to give you such a beating!"

He dropped Phil and walked away.

"Pay no attention to him" said the girl. "He's not my boyfriend. I said `hi' to him on the bus and now he thinks I like him."

She turned and walked off down the hall. "I guess I'll see you later" she said.

Phil stood. His friends and sister joined him.

"Who was that?" asked Kimi.

"I don't know" said Phil as he dusted himself off. "Just someone."

The bell rang.

"Come on guys" said Tommy. "Let's go to class."

As Phil and his friends entered the classroom, Phil was greeted with quite a shock.

Standing next to the teacher's desk, was the girl he bumped into.

"Guys...its her!" he said.

"Oh I'm sure you've already met Phillip DeVille" said Mr. Dixon, an African-American history teacher. "This is Lindsay Hutchinson, the new student."

The students sat in their desk.

"Class" said Mr. Dixon, "this is Lindsay Hutchinson, our newest student. Please welcome her to our class."

The class gave Lindsay their greetings.

"Lindsay, you may take the seat behind Phil."

"Uh oh" gulped Phil.

Lindsay sat behind Phil. "We meet again" she said.

"Yeah" said a nervous Phillip.

"Class" said Mr. Dixon, "please open up your textbooks to page forty two."

The class opened up their textbooks to page forty two. Mr. Dixon gave  Lindsay a textbook.

"Tommy Pickles, please begin reading from the top."

"Ok" said Tommy.

He cleared his throat and began to read.

"It was August 1945, at the height of World War II. The United States flew over Hiroshima, Japan and dropped a nuclear bomb on the city."

Kimi began to tremble with fear. She could not believe that something had happened to the country that she represented long ago.

As Tommy continued to read, Lindsay poked Phil with her pencil.

"Ouch!" said Phil. He turned towards Lindsay. She was reading her textbook.

No sooner than Phil turned, Lindsay poked him again.


"Phil, is there a problem?" asked Mr. Dixon.

"Uh, no sir" said Phil.

"In that case, please begin reading" said Mr. Dixon.

Phil cleared his throat and began to read.

"Years ago, Japan had been shut off from the rest of the world. Only the Dutch could enter on the condition that they act as clowns and act in theatres where they practise the traditional..."

As Phil read, Lindsay poked him again.


"They practise the traditional ouch?" asked Kimi.

Everyone laughed.

"Phil, quit disrupting my class" said Mr. Dixon. "Kimi, please continue reading where Phil left off."

Kimi was excited. She wanted to learn more about the country that her nationality represented.

She scanned the page. But she did not start reading.

"We're waiting Miss Finster."

"I can't find `ouch' in the textbook" she said. (rimshot)

Everyone laughed.

Later that day, at recess, Phil and his friends gathered near the jungle gym.

"I'm telling you guys, she's the reason why I keep saying `ouch'"!

"Maybe you should confront her" suggested Kimi.

"Good idea" said Phil as he stood.

Just then, a volleyball hit him in the arm.

"Ouch!" he said.

He turned just in time to see a familiar girl dash behind the wall.

He and his friends dashed off after her. They found her sitting at a table reading her books.

"Why are you doing these things to me?" demanded Phil.

"Do what?" asked Lindsay.

"Don't act innocent" said Lil. "You poked my brother with a pencil and just threw a volleyball at him."

"How can I do those things?" asked Lindsay "I'm reading my textbook."

"Up side down?" asked Kimi.

"Uh...I like to challenge myself" said Lindsay.

"Nice try" said Lil.

"Now why are you doing all this to me?" asked Phil.

Lindsay closed her book and stood.

"Because I like you! That's why!" she cried.

She walked away.

Phil could not believe what he had just heard.

"She's doing all those things because she likes me?" asked Phil.

"Reminds me of Megan years ago" said Chuckie.

Kimi playfully tackled her brother to the ground.

"Why did you do that Kimi?" he asked.

"Because I like you" said Kimi. (rimshot)

Chuckie and Kimi started laughing.

Just then, someone grabbed Phil.

"Didn't I tell you to stay away from my girl?" he demanded.

Phil recognized him. It was the school bully. His name is Clint Westwood.


"I warned you!" said Clint.

"Put my brother down!" said Lil, "or else!"

"Or else what?!" demanded Clint.

The bell rang.

Clint dropped Phil. "Next time kid! Don't say I didn't warn you!" he walked back into the school.

Phil breathed a sigh of relief. "Saved by the bell!"

At lunch time, the Rugrats went into the cafeteria for lunch. Today's specialty was spaghetti and meatballs.

The Rugrats dished up and took a fork from the plastic silverware tray.

"The new girl is such a klutz" said a seventh grader. He pointed in the direction of the lunch lady.

Lindsay was dished some spaghetti and took some milk from the milk tray. As she walked toward's the silverware tray, one of her shoelaces became untied. She stepped on it and tripped, sending her tray of spaghetti and milk flying, right at Phil.

Phil ducked just in time as the spaghetti hit the wall and splattered into a mess of tomato sauce and milk.

As for Lindsay, she had tripped into the garbage can, which tipped over and sent a spray of garbage onto her as she lay on the floor.

Everyone in the cafeteria was laughing hysterically, except Phil and the other Rugrats.

Phil walked over to help Lindsay stand up. He stepped on a rolling meatball and skidded across the floor, screaming, right at the garbage cans. He slid in the garbage and landed on the floor, sending his tray of food flying.

There were even more laughs.

" beautiful shirt!" cried Lindsay, " hair."

Just then, a shadow covered Phil and Lindsay. It was Clint.

"You again?!" he shouted. "Haven't I told you already?! Stay away from my..."

But before he could finish, Phil's spaghetti fell down right onto Clint.

Everyone laughed, including Phil, his friends, and Lindsay. Everyone that is, except Clint.

"Food fight!" shouted Clint.

Everyone began to throw their food around, except Phil, his friends, and Lindsay. Everyone was splattered with food, including Tommy, Chuckie, Lil, Dil, Angelica, Susie, and Kimi. Their trays of food were sent flying up, and came down, right onto Clint.

"Alright...that does it!" said Clint.

Just then, the bell rang. It was time for recess.

"Round two goes to you" said Clint. "But the next time will be different!"

He stormed off, his clothes splattered with spaghetti and tomato sauce.

Later that day, as the Rugrats rode the bus home, Phil could not stop thinking about Lindsay and his encounters with Clint.

"I'm telling you guys" he said, "I think I like her."

"I think you're in love" said Kimi.

"Am not!" said Phil. "It's just a...what do you call it?"

"A crush" said Angelica. "First Chuckie has a crush on my best friend, now you've got a crush on the new girl."

"And I thought only Lil would like me" said Phil. "We are practically inseparable. Now I'm afraid Lil will hate me."

"I don't hate you" said Lil.

"In that case...that's ok" said Phil.

"Hi Phil" said a familar voice.

Phil turned. Sitting in the set behind him, was Lindsay.

"Do you keep following me everywhere?" asked Phil.

"Well, not everywhere" said Lindsay.

"What if Clint is here on this bus?"

"You mean...right here?!!" said a voice.

Phil screamed. Sitting ahead of him, was Clint.

"Didn't I tell you to leave my girl alone?!"

"She's not your..." started Phil.

"You dare talk back to me?!" demanded Clint.

Just then, the bus stopped.

"Ok kids" said Lou, "whoever lives here, can get off."Tommy, Chuckie, Dil, Lil, Kimi, Angelica, and Susie stood and walked off the bus.

"See you tomorrow Phil" said Lindsay.

Phil stood and walked off the bus.

That night, around 11:00, Phil sat alone in the kitchen eating a snack of cookies. Howard came into the kitchen.

"Isn't it past your bedtime son?" he asked.

"Yeah" sighed Phil.

"Something bothering you son?"

"Yeah" sighed Phil. "There's this girl in school. She seems to have a crush on me. And I have a crush on her."

"Yeah" said Howard. "That's how it started out when I met your mother... although she wasn't your mother at the time." (rimshot)

"Yeah, great story dad" said Phil as he stood. "Now I'm off to bed."

"But I'm not finished yet" said Howard.

Phil walked out of the kitchen and upstairs to his room. He changed into his pajama's.

Lil sat up in bed and rubbed her eyes.

"Where have you been?" she asked.

"Just in the kitchen" said Phil.

"Still thinking of your girlfriend?"

"She's not my least not yet."


Lil went back to bed. Phil climbed into bed and went to sleep.

"I wonder how long this crush will last?" he thought to himself.

A little later...

Phil awoke, but he wasn't in his bed or his pajama's. He was dressed in a suit and tie and standing in a hall just like the one in Notre Dame. Standing next to him in a white gown, was Lindsay, holding a bouqet of flowers. Before them, stood a priest.

"I now pronounce you, Phillip DeVille and Lindsay Hutchinson, husband and wife. You may now kiss each other!"

Lindsay planted a kiss on Phil.

"We're going to be together forever and ever" she said cheerfully.

The scene changed to a hall in a hospital. Phil was sitting on a bench in the waiting lobby.

"What's going on?" he asked. "What am I doing here?"

Just then, a nurse came out of the room, carrying a baby in a pink blanket.

"Congratulations Mr. DeVille! It's a girl!"

She gave the baby to Phillip. The baby seemed to have a striking resemblance to Lindsay.

"Forever and ever dada" she said.

The scene changed again. Phil and Lindsay were sitting in rocking chairs. Their hair had turned grey and their skin was wrinkled.

"Seventy five years of being together" said Lindsay. "Give me a big kiss!"

"Noooooooooooooo!" screamed Phil. He looked around and noticed he was in his own bed.

Lil sat up.

"Can't sleep?" she asked.

"No" said Phil, "had a terrible nightmare."

"Ok" said Lil, "well good night."

She went back to sleep.

The next day, Phil and Lil waited at the bus stop with Tommy, Chuckie, Dil, Kimi, Susie, and Angelica.

Just then, Phil heard a familiar voice.

"Hi Phillip."

Phil turned, to come face to face with Lindsay.

"Uh...hi?" said Phil.

The bus arrived and the Rugrats and Lindsay climbed onto the bus.

"Hurry up sprouts" said Lou. "I have to be at the airport to wait for Lulu in one hour."

The Rugrats sat on their seats. Lindsay sat behind Phil.

"What am I going to do guys?" asked Phil. "How will I tell Lindsay I like her?"

"Let me handle it" said Kimi.

"No wait, stop!" said Phil.

"Hey everybody!" said Kimi as she stood, "Phil has a crush on..."

But before she could finish, Phil covered her mouth with his hand.

"Myself!" he said. "I have a crush on myself. I like myself."

Everyone laughed.

Phil took his hand off Kimi's mouth.

At last, the bus arrived at Jim Junior High School. As the kids got off, Phil bumped into Lindsay, knocking her books down.

"Oops, sorry" said Phil. He picked up her books and gave them to her.

"Thanks" said Lindsay.

Just then, Phil felt someone grab him by his shirt collar.

"Didn't I tell you..." started Clint.

The bell rang.

"Next time will be different!" said Clint as he dropped Phil. He walked off the bus.

At recess, Phil and his friends gathered by the swings.

"I gotta tell her sometime guys!" said Phil, "but how?"

"I could have done it earlier on the bus" said Kimi as she swung higher on the swings.

"You would have embarrassed me" said Phil.

"Why don't you let me handle it?" said Lil. "I will set up a date between you and Lindsay."

"Are you crazy?!" said Phil. "Why can't I do it myself?"

"Because you might get all tongue tied?" suggested Tommy.

"You might get your lips stuck on your teeth?" suggested Chuckie.

"I don't wear braces!" said Phil.

Lindsay came up behind Phil.

"What are you guys talking about?" she asked.

"Lindsay Hutchinson? Why are you here?" asked Phil.

"I always come here at recess" said Lindsay. "Besides, just call me Lindsay, Phillip."

"Ok, Lindsay Phillip." (rimshot)

Lindsay laughed. "You're funny Phil" she said.

"Phil has something to ask you" said Lil.

"What is it?" asked Lindsay.

"" studdered Phil.

"He wants to know if you want to go somewhere tonight" said Lil.

"Lillian!" said Phil.

"I'd love to!" said Lindsay.

"You would?" asked Phil.

"Sure!" said Lindsay, "how about the park at 8:00?"

"Ok" said Phil. "I'll see you tonight Lindsay Phillip."

Lindsay laughed. "Just call me Lindsay."

That night, at 7:30p.m., Phil was in his room, wearing a suit and tie that Betty had put on. Howard adjusted the the while Betty straightened the suit.

"My little boy is going on his first date" said an excited Betty.

"Mom, please, you're messing up my hair!" said Phil.

Betty and Howard finished adjusting the suit. "Can you walk to the park yourself?" asked Betty.

"Yeah sure" said Phil.

"Want your friends to come too?" asked Howard.

"Yeah sure ok" said Phil.

A little later, Phil walked off to the park under a starry night sky lit with his sister and friends.

"I'm so nervous" said Phil, "tonight I'm going to tell Lindsay I like her."

"Way to go Phillip!" said Lil.

"But what if Clint shows up?" asked Phil.

"He won't" said Kimi.

"How do you know?" asked Tommy.

"Because nobody will be there" said Kimi, "except Lindsay."

Phil arrived at the park with his friends. Waiting on the bench, was Lindsay.

"So good to see you and your friends Phillip" she said.

"Yeah sure" said Phil.

He sat on the bench with Lindsay.

"Lovely night isn't it?" asked Lindsay.

"Yeah" said Phil.

"I just love watching stars" said Lindsay. "Don't you?"

"Well, I guess so" said Phil.

"Tell her Phillip!" said Kimi.

"Tell me what?" asked Lindsay.

"Tell her what I would have said on the bus earlier today" said Kimi.

"Ok" said Phil.

He turned to face Lindsay.


"Yes Phillip?"

"I just want to say that I really..."

"Haven't seen the light yet!" said a voice.

Everyone turned.

"Oh no, not you again!" said Phil.

Clint stood before Phillip, several yards away.

"I told you, stay away from my girl!" said Clint.

Lindsay stood.

"Now look here you big bully!" said Lindsay, "I am not your girl!"

"Then why did you say `hi' to me on the bus?" asked Clint.

"Because I was being friendly" said Lindsay.

Clint stood frozen in place. Then he frowned.

"No! I don't believe it!"

Phil stood up.

"She said she liked me earlier" said Phil.

"Are you mad Lindsay? You can't like this dweeb!"


"Clint stop!" said Lindsay. "I just wanted to be friendly. Besides, I already have a boyfriend." She pointed at Phil. "Him!"

"Me?" asked a suprised Phil.

"Alright Phil!" said Clint, "it's time we finished this!"

"It will be different this time you big bully!" said Phil.

He turned to his friends and sister. "Come on guys! Let's get him!"

Tommy, Chuckie, Lil, Dil, and Kimi joined Phil and turned to Clint.

"If you want to beat our friend up" said Kimi, "you'll have to deal with us!"

"Don't underestimate Kimi!" said Chuckie. "She's the strongest of us all!"

"Ha! What can you guys do about it?" laughed Clint, "you're just a bunch of little boys and girls, not even teens yet!"

Phil was enraged. He walked up to Clint.

"Everybody gets a chance to fly in their lives Clint, so...feel this!"

He gave Clint a push that sent him rolling down the hill and onto the ground.

Clint stood and wiped off the dust on his shirt. "Whoa! I'm out of here! You can keep the girl!" he cried. He ran off out of the park.

Lindsay was quite impressed. "That was amazing Phillip!" she said. "You and your friends really stood up to that bully."

"Gee" said Phil. "I feel kind of bad about what I did."

"Don't feel bad Phil" said Lindsay, "Clint deserved it."

"I can't believe you said you really like me" said Phil.

"I do!" said Lindsay.

"By the way" said Phil, "about what I was going to say, I really like you."

"You do?" asked Lindsay.

"Of course" said Phil.

"I would have said that on the bus earlier today" said Kimi.

"You have some really great friends Phillip" said Lindsay.

"Thanks" said Phil.

To everyone's suprise, Phil quickly planted a kiss on Lindsay.

Lindsay wiped off her mouth. Then she started laughing.

"Phillip and Lindsay, sitting in a tree!" chanted Kimi. "K-I-S-S-..."

"That's enough Kimi" said Phil.

Kimi stopped singing.

"Why don't we all go somewhere together?" suggested Tommy. "Like a soda bar for a drink?"

"I'd like that" said Lindsay.

"Shall we then?" asked Phil.

"Yes. Let's go somewhere together" said Lindsay. "I still got two hours before my curfew."

Phil, his new girlfriend, and their friends walked off out of the park and into the night off to the nearest soda bar. Phillip and Lindsay even shared a drink.

As for Clint, he never bothered Phil ever again.

The End

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