The Man From Melmac

By Dwayne Anderson

It was a late Thursday afternoon. The Finster family were sitting on the couch, huddled around the television. Right now, they  just finished watching "ALF" on the Odyssey cable channel.

Chazz said, "'ALF' was a great sitcom; I remember watching it on our honeymoon with Melinda."

Kira commented, "That furry creature looks cute; he looks like an anteater with Ronald Reagan's hairdo. And he has the funny wit to match."

"Agreed," said Chazz. "I especially like it when he says, 'I kill me!'"

"You don't get humor like this in Japan," said Kira.

Chazz then said, "My favorite episode is when ALF substituted for Johnny Carson on 'The Tonight Show'; that was really a riot, especially when he played Carnac The Magnificent -- 'You'll be met by an alien every Monday night at 8, 7 Central.' They don't make sitcoms like they used to these days -- most of them aren't appropriate for kids."

Kira said, "I can't wait until tomorrow; our friends and the kids will be coming over for a barbecue. I especially can't wait for Saturday, when my honorable mother and father will be coming over from Japan to celebrate Kimi's birthday."

"Wouldn't that be something; we'll be remembering this for years," said Chazz.

Kira then said, "Look! 'Happy Days' is on! I used to watch this show when I was a little kid back in Japan. Fonzie's the coolest."

Chazz and Kira then give Fonzie's "thumbs up" salute and said, "Aaay!".

The next evening, the rugrats and their parents were in the Finster's backyard having a Barbeque. As the grownups ate hot dogs and burgers, the kids played in their playpen. Phil and Lil were scrounging for worms, Kimi was playing with Superthing, Tommy was rolling the ball to Dil and Chuckie, and Susie and Angelica were having a tea party.

A special day was coming. Tomorrow was the day of Kimi's second birthday. Everyone was excited, including Kimi herself. Her grandparents from Japan were planning on making a visit. The family was planning to have the party at the ranch of Didi's parents.

As Stu prepared more hot dogs and burgers, the silent night sky suddenly  lost its silence as a mysterious sound filled the air. It sounded like rolling thunder. Everybody stood up as a strange object appeared in the sky. It appeared to be dropping toward the house.

"Something's coming!" shouted Stu.

"Grab the kids!" cried his wife Didi.

The grownups scurried over to the playpen and scooped up their kids.

Stu was still staring at the strange object in the distance.

"It's a meteor! We're doomed!" he shouted.

The strange object slowly approached the house. Then, without warning, it went off course and crashed on top of the garage.

Stu and the other grownups approached the garage. It wasn't a meteor, it was a spaceship.

"I'll go check it out" said Betty.

She grabbed a ladder and set it against the garage. She climbed it and  opened the hatch on the side of the ship. She stepped inside, looked both ways and looked straight ahead. She gasped. She looked outside at her friends below.

"We have a visitor" she said.

A few minutes later, Betty climbed down the ladder carrying a thick durable cloth which she had wrapped around the strange being she had found in the ship.

"Clear a spot on the grass" she said. "It's heavy."

Didi was afraid. She clung to her two sons.

"Boys stay with me!"

Howard and Stu cleared a patch of grass on the lawn, allowing Betty to lay  the cloth on the grass. She unfolded the cloth, revealing a strange creature. It appeared to be a three foot tall anteater with a long frilly nose. Its body was completely covered with brown hair. And he has that "Ronald Reagan" hairdo.

"Oh my gosh!" said Kira as she clutched Kimi tightly. "It's hairy!"

"Hairy and heavy!" corrected Angelica. (rimshot)

"What is it?" asked Lulu.

"A real alien!" said Howard.

"Stu...what is it?" asked Didi.

Stu knelt down near the strange creature. It was still breathing.

"I don't know" he said. "Howard is right. It's an ALF."

"What?" asked Drew.

"An ALF. An A.L.F. that represents Alien Lifeform."

Chazz replied, "It's not just an ALF, its THE ALF! As seen on TV!"

His friends look at him, surprised.

"Didn't you guys watch the NBC sitcom in the 1980s? Or Odyssey yesterday?", said Chazz.

"Can Alf stay in my room?" asked Angelica.

"No" said a terrified Didi. "This thing is not staying in anyone's room. In fact, it's not staying, even if IT did have a sitcom on NBC."

"Why not?" asked Charlotte. "E.T. got to stay."

"E.T. was a movie" said Didi. "This is real."

"And its on our backyard" said Chazz.

Stu stood up.

"This is incredible!" he said. "After all these years of hoping that it  might be possible to come face to face with alien life, its a miracle."

"We have to get rid of it!" said Didi.

"But why?" asked Betty.

"We don't know anything about it" said Didi. "It could be dangerous,  diseased, or hostile!"

Chazz then replied, "I do know two things about it -- it was funny, and it was untimely cancelled."

didi said, "We've got to tell somebody."

They all approached the alien and peered down at it.

"But what if the lab technicians put needles in it?" asked Howard.

"No, they wouldn't do that" said Betty.

"Is it friendly?" asked Drew

"Well of course -- I've seen enough episodes to find that out," said Chazz.

"What will we do?" asked Grandpa.

"We have to report this!" said Didi who was still afraid for her children.

"Why?" asked Randy. "What's wrong with it?

"It's better to be safe than sorry" said Didi. "Who knows when it will turn on us and attack our children. Aliens can't be friendly."

Chazz responded, "I take it you guys were too busy studying for exams Monday nights in the 1980s -- or watching ABC."

"What other choice do we have?" asked Kira.

"Uh...could I make a suggestion?" asked a voice.

"Sure" said Stu. "Why not? I see nothing wrong with..."

He stopped in midsentence. He and everyone else turned back at the cloth.  Sure enough, the mysterious creature was sitting up.

"Well...if it's not too much 'bout fixing my spaceship?"

Nobody moved a muscle.

" my lips!" said the alien.

"It talks!" said Lucy.

"It's heavy, its hairy, and it talks!" said Susie. (rimshot)

The creature nodded in understanding. " how 'bout fixing my spaceship so I can get my heavy, hairy body, out of here!" (rimshot)

Stu approached the alien and knelt before it.

"I'm not sure I can fix your spaceship...I mean not tonight, not in the dark."

"Yeah you could use a light in that driveway" said the alien.

Stu laughed. "It's not my house. Chazz and Kira have been meaning to install a light know how it is, people get busy with one thing and other..."

"Stu!" cried Didi.

"I'm sorry" said Stu. "I just seem so human."

"Hey...there's no need for name calling" said the alien.

"Stu, we should not get too friendly" said Didi.

"She's right" said the alien. "Let's have a snack now, we'll get friendly later."

"Snack?" asked Kira. "What kind of a snack?"

To everyone's horror, the creature spoke its answer.

"You got a cat?"

Angelica and Susie were horrified.

"You eat cats?" cried Susie.

"You can't eat her Chowder or my Fluffy!" said Angelica.

"Alright" said the alien. "How 'bout a cat food can?"

Angelica turned to her mother. "Can we give Alf a cat food can mom?"

At first, Charlotte was hesitant. Then she nodded.

"I'll get you a cat food can Alf. Wait right here" she said as she walked off toward her house.

"Why is everyone gathered here?" asked Alf.

"We're celebrating the upcoming birthday of my daughter" said Kira.

"Is that little girl your daughter?" asked Alf.

"Yes" said Chazz. "I'm her stepfather."

"Why?" asked Alf. "Did you step on her earlier?" (rimshot)

"No" said Chazz. "I'm not her real father. Her real father is dead."

"So is the rest of my species" said Alf. "My home planet, Melmac exploded."

"Oh my" said Randy. "The same thing would have happened to our planet if  your spaceship was in the form of an asteroid...well, maybe just this house." (rimshot)

Charlotte came back with a cat food can. She gave it to Alf after opening  it.

"That is amazing" said Stu. "Isn't that amazing?"

"Stu will you come back down to Earth for a minute?" said Didi. "An alien being has come to live with us, to eat our cans and snack on cats."

"Yep, this'll do fine" said Alf. "I'll just do what you say."

With that, Alf shoved the can into his mouth and swallowed it whole.

Chazz then replied, "Isn't it amazing? A TV star at our place, eating our garbage. It doesn't get any better than this."

Didi said, "I don't know who's the alien here -- it, or you."

Early the next morning, Didi awoke to the sound of her alarm clock. She turned it off and turned to the side of the bed where Stu was sleeping.

"Morning" she said.

"Morning" said a familiar voice.

Didi opened her eyes. In Stu's spot of the bed, was Alf, chewing on the pillow.

Didi screamed. Alf started screaming too.

"Stu!" shouted Didi.

"Stu!" shouted Alf. He bolted out of bed and into the bathroom and shut  the door behind him. Stu was shaving.

"What's going on out there?" asked Stu.

"Nothing" said Alf. "Just screaming." (rimshot)

"Come over here" said Stu.

"Ok" said Alf. He walked over to the sink where Stu stood. Stu proceeded to shave.

"You must understand that Didi is very nervous about this" said Stu.

"Absolutely" said Alf as he combed himself. "Who's Didi?"

"My wife"

"Oh yeah...she snores."

"She doesn't snore."

"You calling me a liar?"

Stu put down his razor.

"Just keep your distance. And try to be considerate."

"No problem" said Alf as he squirted a bottle of shaving cream. But it sprayed onto Stu instead of on himself. Stu grabbed the bottle.

"That is not considerate! That is the opposide of considerate! That is... inconsiderate!" He calmed down. "We'll just say nothing about this."

He grabbed the razor from Alf.

"There's no need for you to shave. You look fine."

"I wanna do everything you do. You're my idol."

Stu was confused, but said nothing.

"I'm going to take a shower now."

"Count me in!"

"I'd like to take it alone."

"Ok. Just don't use all the hot water!" (rimshot)

"And stay away from the windows. We don't want people to see you. They might turn you in."

"Ok" said Alf.

Stu untied his bathrobe.

"Do you mind?" he asked.

"Never saw a thing" said Alf as he walked out of the bathroom.

He put on Didi's glasses while she dressed herself. She was having trouble seeing.

"Boy, you're blind as a bat aren't you?" observed Alf.

Didi grabbed her glasses from Alf.

"Weren't you sleeping in the garage?" she asked.

"I couldn't sleep" said Alf. "The garage was freezing."

He turned to the window and looked outside. A young woman was waiting for  the cars to stop so she could cross when she noticed Alf in the window.

"Mike, are you familiar with the old TV sitcom, ALF?"


"Then what's that thing staring at me from the Pickle's window?"

Mike turned toward the Pickle's household. Alf disappeared from view just in time.

"I don't see anything Margaret. You've been at the whiskey again haven't you?"

Alf walked back into the bathroom just as Stu finished his shower.

"Could you hand me something to dry off with?" asked Stu, who was still in the shower.

"You got it!" said Alf. He turned toward the toilet and unrolled all the toilet paper. He picked up the pile of paper and tossed it into the shower.

Later that day, after Stu and Didi's friend's arrived and dropped off their children, they went into the living room.

"Where's Stu?" asked Betty.

"He went over to the Finster house to repair Alf's spaceship."

"Is Alf still here?" asked Howard.

"See for yourself" said Didi.

Sitting in Grandpa's favorite chair, was Alf, watching TV. It was "Happy Days".

Alf said, "'Happy Days' is a pretty good show. The two things I don't get is this guy who keeps saying the letter 'A', nor do I get the show before this one. What's so funny about a long-nosed, hairy midget who looks like Ronald Reagan?"

Betty walked over to the television, stood before it and bent over at the screen.

"What are you watching?" she asked.

"Right now, you!" said Alf. (rimshot)

Meanwhile at the Finster home, Stu was having problems repairing Alf's spaceship. He picked up the phone and called home.

"Can I speak to Alf?" he asked.

"Sure thing" said Didi. She handed the phone to Alf.


"Alf, can you help me with this task? I don't know much about this thing."

"Me neither" said Alf. "I just turn the key and it goes!" (rimshot)

"Never mind" said Stu. He hung up.

Meanwhile in the playpen, the kids were playing with their toys, when suddenly, Alf came in.

"Oh hi Alf" said Angelica.

"His name is Alf?" asked Tommy.

"Of course. Uncle Stu named him" said Angelica.

"Would you please introduce these kids?" asked Alf.

"Sure" said Angelica. "I'm Angelica."

"I'm Susie" said Susie. "And this is Tommy, Chuckie, Dil, Lil, Phil, and Kimi. Today is Kimi's birthday."

"So you're the one who was stepped on" said Alf.

Kimi giggled.

Unlike any other day where she wore  her trademark pink shirt and her yellow jumper, Kimi was wearing a green dress.

Just then, the doorbell rang. Alf answered it.

Outside was a man and women in their 60's. They appeared to be japanese and were quite suprised to see Alf.

Just then, Kira entered.

"Alf why are you answering the doorbell?"

"I live here!" said Alf. "At least until Stu repairs my ship."

The couple outside the door took comfort in seeing Kira. After all, they  were Kira's parents.

Just then, the phone rang. While Alf answered it, Kira greeted her parents.

Stu had phoned again, but he was quite suprised to hear Alf speaking.

"Why do you keep answering the phone?"

"You keep calling!" (rimshot)

Kira led her parents to the playpen where the babies played.

"Are all these your children?" asked Kira's father.

"No" said Kira. She picked up Kimi. "This is my daughter Kimi."

"She's so adorable" said Kira's mother.

"Happy birthday Kimi!" said Kira's father.

After Alf hung up, he walked into the kitchen. He took out the eggs and hid them all over the kitchen.

Chazz entered the kitchen to finish preparing the birthday cake.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Since it's a birthday, I've hidden all the eggs" said Alf.

"We do that at Easter" said Chazz.

"Oh right" said Alf. "Birthday's are when we carve the pumpkin!"

"That's Halloween" said Chazz.

A few minutes later, Stu knocked on the door.

"Who's there?" asked Alf.

"Stu" said Stu.

"Stu who?" asked Alf.

Didi opened the door.

"Hi honey" she said.

"Stop it" said Alf. "You're ruining the joke!" (rimshot)

A little later, everyone packed into the car to drive off to the ranch of Didi's parents. Lucy, Randy, Charlotte and Drew left the cat's with a babysitter. Alf was coming along too.

As Stu drove through the countryside, everyone was singing a song.

"One bottle of beer on the wall, one bottle of beer! When it falls down and crashes to the ground, no more bottles of beer on the wall!"

The kids sat in the back seat in their chairs although Kimi was in the seat in front, since it was her birthday.

Alf nudged Kira who sat with Kimi on her lap with her husband and parents beside her.

"Wanna spit outside the window with me?"

"I don't know how to spit" said Kira.

"Never mind" said Alf. He strolled up to the front seat.

"Hey Stu, how about letting me take over the controls for a while?"

"You don't know how to drive" said Stu.

"I drove through the cosmos didn't I?"

"You crashed through the Finster's garage."

"You see any garages out there?" (rimshot)

A little later, they arrived at the ranch. Didi's parents welcomed the  family. They didn't seem to mind Alf.

Kira didn't like the look of the clouds. She could tell a storm could hit any second.

Suddenly, the sky lit up with a bolt of lightning. Rain began to fall.

"Let's get the kids inside" said Stu.

Later, everyone had entered the cabin and had taken everything from the car. Well almost everything.

"We came to celebrate a birthday party" said Chazz. "And now we have to stay inside because of the weather."

"Don't worry" said Minka. "I'm sure the weather will clear up."

"Oh no!" said Stu. "I forgot Kimi's birthday cake!"

He put on his coat and opened the door. Another bolt of lightning lit up the sky. Stu closed the door and took off his jacket.

"Welcome back" said Alf. (rimshot)

"Why don't you go out?" asked Stu.

"I can't" said Alf. "I'm 98 percent air!"

"Shall we play charades?" asked Betty.

"How about scrabble?" asked Didi.

"We can't" said Chazz. "Alf ate all the vowels."

"Now I know why those A's taste so good -- I bet that Fonzie guy eats them all the time," said Alf.

"Why don't we do a jigsaw puzzle?" asked Stu as he took a box from the pile of luggage. He opened it and set it on the table.

Alf looked at the puzzle. He picked up some of the pieces, then dropped them back into the box.

"It's broken" he said.

"That's the object" said Stu. "We put it together."

"Why?" asked Alf. "Nobody here broke it!" (rimshot)

"So we have a choice of either charades or a jigsaw puzzle" said Howard.

"Shall we vote?" asked Alf.

"We don't have to vote!" said Stu.

"Call the newspapers!" said Alf. "Democracy is dead!"

"How would you like to be 50 percent air?" threatened Stu.

While all this was happening, the kids were wishing Kimi a happy birthday.

"Thanks guys" said Kimi.

"Did your daddy get you a present on your last birthday?" asked Chuckie.

"No" said Kimi sadly. "Mom said he went to heaband whatever that is."

Night fell as the rain stopped. The sky lit up with a full moon and stars.

"It's all clear!" said Boris.

Everyone cheered and went outside for the party. They set up the picnic table while Stu went to the car to get Kimi's birthday cake.

"Kimi's two years old today" said Kira. "I just wish her father was still alive to see it."

"By the way Alf" said Chazz. "How old are you?"

"I'm 229 years old" said Alf.

"It must have been hard lighting 229 candles" said Charlotte.

"Blowing them out was easy" said Alf. "Lighting them was trouble. "See by the time your half finished, your wrist is on fire! Ha! Ha, yeah! I kill me!"

Chazz laughed very hard, saying, "'I kill me!' I love it everytime he says that!"

Kira lit the candles on the cake. Everyone sang happy birthday to Kimi.

Stu read the writing on the cake.

"To a wonderful daughter, step-daughter, little sister, and earthling"

"Earthling?" asked Drew.

"That was mine" said Alf. (rimshot)

"Blow out the candles Kimi" said Chazz.

"Make a wish first" said Kira.

Kima blew out the candles, or at least that's what would have happened if she had blown harder.

"Let me give it a shot" said Alf.

"Alright" said Kira.

Alf picked up his glass of juice and poured it onto the cake, dousing the candles.

"Alf!" shouted Stu.

"You should thank me" said Alf. "I didn't blow the candles which prevented spreading any germs."

"Good point" said Chazz.

"Make a speech" said Howard.

"It is a birthday party" said Didi. "You should make a speech for the  birthday girl.

"Alright" said Kira.

But before she and Chazz could speak, Alf cleared his throat.

"I was born the son of a poor asteroid polisher."

"Alf we're supposed to make the speech" said Kira.

She began her part of the speech.

"When Kimi was born two years ago on this day in Paris, I have never been happier in my life. When my husband died, Kimi lost her father, and he never even got attend her first birthday."

Alf who was eating his slice of cake burped. Everyone looked at him.

"Why am I even saying this if you're going to interrupt?" asked Kira.

"I don't know" said Alf. "I'm barely listening."

A little later, after Kimi recieved her presents, Kira and Chazz began to finish cutting the cake.

While everyone ate their cake, the night sky suddenly filled with another rolling thunder sound.

Another flying saucer floated down toward the ground. A hatch in the side opened. Two creatures similar to Alf appeared.

Alf seemed to reconize them! They were his friend Skip and girlfriend  Rhonda.

"There you are Gordon" said Skip.

Everyone was puzzled.

"Gordon is your real name?" asked Stu.

"Yep" said Alf. "Gordon Shumway."

"We found a new planet to colonize" said Rhonda.

"I'm coming" said Alf.

He turned toward everyone.

"I guess this is goodbye everyone. Good night to you all, especially to the birthday girl. Oh, and Stu, thanks for trying to fix my spaceship -- I'll be by to pick it up later!"

He climbed into the space ship with Rhonda and Skip. The hatch closed as the ship rose into the sky and disappeared beyond the moon.

Chazz said, "Meeting a favorite TV star from outer space -- we'll be remembering this for centuries."

"Ain't that the truth; I gotta start watching 'ALF' more often," said Betty.

Kira said, "Woudn't it be something if The Fonz suddenly appears here?"

Then suddenly, The Fonz walks in, giving his salute.

"Aaayy!, said Fonzie.

Suddenly, the sound of an audience applauding is heard from nowhere.

Didi, a little scared, said, "What was that sound?"

"Don't mind him; just go with the flow -- and watch 'Happy Days'," said Chazz.

Everybody then gave the Fonzie salute, then said, "Aaay!", with the end of the theme song playing,

"These happy days are yours and mine, happy days!"

The End

Back To Rugrats Fan Fiction Back To Main Rugrats Page