1. "Chuckie Finster" is not the author's real name, as he chose to remain anonymous.
2. Daria is an spinoff of Beavis & Butthead, both animated series on MTV.
3. This story is based on a Daria episode, "Pinchsitter".
(opening theme song)
(at school, in Mr. DeMartino's history class)
Mr. DeMartino: And on this fateful day his followers obediently drank the poison brew. Jonestown, one charismatic reader exerting his demonic will over scores of followers. What lesson can we take from this tragic example of cult like behavior?
Kevin: Uh, BYOB?
Mr. DeMartino: Please return to your stupor Kevin.
Mr. DeMartino: While we continue our discussion about cults. Can anyone ive me a modern day example of a cult using cohesive techniques such as peer pressure, chanting, and social isolation to control over its members? Brittany!
Mr. DeMartino: Ah, Brittany, sometimes despite a complete lack of insight, you stumble upon an interesting answer.
Brittany: Wow, and I didn't even have to read the chapter!
Jane: She'll never have to worry about mind control.
Daria: No, But she'll have to watch out for ferrets building a nest in her head.
Mr. DeMartino: Now remember your term papers are due Friday, and no excuses will be accepted.
(in the hallway)
Ronny: You want me to take over your baby-sitting job? I'm not sure, Quinn.
Quinn: Please? Just this once. You're the only person I can trust to do this! I can tell by your eyes...
Quinn: Yeah! They're so... sincere!
Quinn: and your face, it's very... honest! You're so nice, and dependable, and...
Ronny: Nice? Sincere? You're never gonna go out with me, are you?
Jane: Hey, there's Quinn with one of her many admirers.
Daria: She's well liked among classmates of both sexes. And yet, strangely, she turns my stomach. Quinn, some guy named Skylar was looking for you this morning.
Quinn: Oh no, he figured out you're my sister?
Daria: Actually, he seemed to think I was your au pair (maid). He asked me how I liked America so far.
Quinn: People are SO weird!
Daria: Some are weird. Some are just astonishingly self-centered and deceitful.
Ronny: Skylar Feldman?
Quinn: His family has a boat. It's almost summer!
Ronny: Yeah, right. Ask him to baby-sit for you.
Quinn: But he can't go out with me if I get he's baby-sitting.
Ronny: Then try your sister. She seems like the type who has plenty of Saturday nights free.
(at Daria's house, in the living room)
Television: They protest it by day, watch it at night, offended parents who watch "South Park", next on "Sick, Sad, World".
(Quinn rolls her eyes)
Daria: For once, we're in agreement.
Quinn: This color looks nothing like melon, it's way too pink. Oh hey Daria, what are you doing Saturday night?
Daria: Forget it. I don't like kids. I didn't even like kids when I was a kid.
Quinn: But you gotta take my baby-sitting job! I could end up all summer on some public beach. Six bucks an hour!
Daria: Oooh, I could make a down payment on that isolated mountain cabin.
Quinn: I'll pay you a two dollar an hour bonus. You can do your homework and earn money at the same time.
Daria: Well, there is that history paper I haven't started yet... But if I baby-sat for you, then technically, I'd be doing you a favor. And that simply can not be.
Helen: (walking by) There's angel hair in the freezer girls, and don't forget tomorrow we're hosting the couples workshop, it's focus on teens night! I expect you to be there.
Quinn: Sorry Mom, I have a date. Remember what you said on Saturday? A commitment's a commitment.
Helen: (sighs) Well I guess I did say that. Well I'll see you there, Daria.
Daria: I can't. I have a commitment.
Helen and Quinn: You?
Daria: I'm baby-sitting.
(in Quinn's room)
(Background music: "Been It", by The Cardigans)
Helen: Oh no, the laundry shrank your shirt.
Quinn: No, they didn't.
Helen: You know, I used to wear mini skirts. But life goes on. Well I was surprised to hear about Daria's baby-sitting job tomorrow night.
Quinn: Yeah! I was too!
Helen: Especially since it's for the Pickles, and they usually call you.
Quinn: I know! People are so weird!
Helen: In fact, I remember something about you going over there tomorrow night?
Quinn: You know, I think they did shrink my shirt!
Helen: Quinn, how do you expect to get anywhere in this world if you don't stick to your commitments?
Quinn: But I didn't mean to double-book. It's hard to keep track of dates when you're attractive and popular.
Helen: I can't have another fiasco like last Saturday night. Think of how it must have felt when those three boys all showed up at the same time!
Quinn: It felt great!
Helen: I meant for them. You know the time-management consultant I've been seeing?
Quinn: Doris Doright?
Helen: Dina Decker. I'm going to have to book us for a mother-daughter session.
Quinn: Like a class?
Helen: Think of it as a makeover. My treat.
Quinn: Well... Okay.
Helen: I'm so excited! Talk about an efficient use of quality time!
(on the phone)
Stu: Now Daria, I hope Quinn explained our rules. Were you planning on having a boyfriend in the house? Because we don't allow that.
Daria: No problem, I'm flying solo these days.
Stu: Then I guess it's not an issue.
Daria: Unless I pick up somebody on the way over.
Quinn: (on the other line) He he, she's kidding Mrs. Pickles, my sister's a big kidder, ha ha Daria.
Daria: Ha ha Quinn.
Stu: Well, you'll need a sense of humor to tangle with our rugrats.
Stu: No, seriously, they're great kids. See you Saturday Daria!
Daria: Bye! (hangs up phone) Ten dollars surcharge if I have to spend more than fifteen minutes with the parents.
Quinn: That's fair.
(at Dina Decker's office)
Dina: Prioritizing, it's the first step towards streamlining your life. Helen, please share your list of priorities, stating the most important first.
Helen: 1: Spend more time with my family, 2: Break through the firm's glass ceiling, 3: Beat the pants of Carly Fishbeck in the library board election, 4: Put the spice back in my marriage.
Helen: 4: Window treatments, for the living room.
Dina: Great, and what are your priorities Quinn?
Quinn: 1: Dating, 2: Shopping, 3: Bouncy hair, 4: School.
Helen: You don't have to rush sweetie, maybe you would like to rethink the order.
Dina: Helen, Quinn is just being honest. You can't get anywhere unless we take a hard, honest look at what really matters.
Helen: 1: Get the spice back into my marriage.
Dina: Quinn, here's your very own teen life runner, just like Mom's.
Helen: My baby's all grown up.
Dina: Don't forget to enter this experience on your proud moments summary page.
Quinn: I can't use this thing, it's ugly!
Dina: Customized styles are available for an extra charge.
Quinn: I'll take the coral. Leather.
Dina: We also sell a matching lipstick and compact that fits right inside the planner.
Quinn: Now I'll be attractive, popular, and organized!
(Commercial Break: We see a diagonally half-screen featuring a phone conversation of Daria and Quinn with Stu and Didi Pickles)
(on the phone)
(Background Music: "Glory Box", by Portishead)
Jane: If they start to drive you nuts, tell them you know this great game called cemetery. They have to lie on the floor and pretend they're dead. The first one who moves or makes a sound loses.
Daria: This whole thing is giving me the creeps. I can't even think about that stupid history paper.
Jane: (on the phone) Relax, I'll be there by 8.
Quinn: (looks out window) Hey Daria, what kind of car do you think that is?
Daria: See ya later. (hangs up phone and goes over to window) Isn't that the neuvo reege sports sedan? What are you doing?
Quinn: Date evaluation system. Convertible get bonus points. Coral! Is life great or what? Bye!
Daria: (sighs and starts to leave)
Jake: Hey Daria, where are you going? It's couples therapy night!
Daria: Baby-sitting job Dad.
Jake: Wish I had a baby-sitting job.
Jake: Those couples, they're such a bunch of wimps. Always so freaking insensitive.
Daria: Hang in there Dad, you'll meet some insensitive couples, I'm sure of it.
Jake: Thanks kiddo!
(We hear "The Saint" , by The Orbitals as she walks to the Pickles' house and music stops when Daria knocks the door.)
(at the Pickles' house)
Daria: Hi, Mrs. Picky.
Daria: Mrs. Pickles.
Didi: Please Daria, call me Didi. Come on in, we're almost ready.
Daria: She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes... she'll be coming around the mountain when she comes...
Daria: Can we punish her now? It's time for her punishment! Can we punish her now?
(Daria throw a bowlful of oatmeal at Quinn.)
Babysitter: Stop that! Stop that! Oh! (drops cane) It's my heart!
(We see a young teenage female babysitter with her date)
Daria: You know, she obsessed with Leo.
Quinn: Hi, I'm Quinn. I'll be allowed to date in four years.
Stu: Here they are, the little rugrats! (We see Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, Lil, Dil, Angelica and Susie)
Didi: Stu! We don't let sitters use the phone but we made an exception for Quinn after she explained that she calls her Grandmother every hour.
Daria: My Grandmother?
Didi: To tell her to take her pill.
Daria: Oh yeah. Actually, tonight it's my turn.
Didi: Now Daria, their bedtime must be at least 9 p.m. and the babies go to the playpen near the glass door, and if Angelica behaves give her this
(Didi gives Daria the new Spice Girl Cynthia)
Angelica: (VO) (looking at the new Spice Girl Cynthia) Oh my gosh! It's the new Cynthia Spice Girl Doll, the number one doll next to Intern Barbie, whoever that is, with microphone, camera, jewelry and musical tape of Cynthia singing her first song, " Girl Power!!".
(cut back to Daria)
Daria: Lemme guess, couples therapy night?
Stu & Didi: No.
Stu: We're watching that new Jerry Springer movie, "Ringmaster", right across town.
Didi: We left food for you in the fridge. Have fun kids.
Angelica and Susie: Bye Uncle Stu, bye Aunt Didi!
(Daria put the babies in the playpen)
Susie: (whispering) Okay, you can drop the angel act now!
Angelica: (whispering) Cut it out! I'm on a roll!
Susie: (whispering) What do you mean? You can't behave!
Angelica: (asking Daria) Is it time to eat our veggies yet, Daria?
Susie: (in a mild tone) CUT IT OUT!
Angelica: (whispering) And yes, I can behave... To the tune of the new Cynthia doll that is!
Susie: (red faced) UUUUUUUGH!
(close-up of the babies in the playpen)
Tommy: You know Angelica has been treating us nicely for the past couple of minutes, you know what, we should thank her.
Chuckie: I don't know if this is a good idea. You know Angelica is only gonna treat us nicely because of the new Cynthia doll, after that, (scared) she'll be herself again.
Lil: (hugging Chuckie) Yeah, Chuckie has a point! \
(both Chuckie and Lil are hugging each other very scared)
Phil: Hey, you may never know, she may be changed.
Chuckie: (screaming at Phil) Either that she could be an robot, I saw it before in front of my own eyes, it was my dad!
Tommy: (putting his hand on Chuckie's shoulder) Chuckie, that was MY dad.
Chuckie: I knew that.
(time passes again)
Susie: Is Quinn really your sister?
Angelica: Then how come her hair is so much bouncier than yours is.
Daria: Oh look, there's been a last minute change in the schedule. It's
time to watch TV.
Susie: But too much TV is bad for you.
Angelica: It can turn you into a zombie, Daria.
Daria:Well, that'll make three of us. (turns on TV, finds only WB) Your parents put on of those lock-out things on here didn't they? All I could get is "7th Heaven".
Susie and Angelica: They did, (long pause) WHAT?!?!?!?!
Susie: That means, we can't watch "Reptar"! (Susie's sobbing)
Angelica: (VO) Don't cry, Angelica! If you do, you won't get the Cynthia doll.
(Angelica begins to cry in her mind while her face stays still.)
Daria: (VO) Great.
(at Chez Pierre)
Skylar: Quinn, I know that plenty of guys want to go out with you, and plenty of girls want to go out with me. And that makes me think we should be together.
Quinn: Oh Skylar, you're number one in my book, by 14 points.
(Skylar puts his credit card in the sleeve with the receipt.)
Skylar: Will you excuse me? I'll be right back.
(Quinn gets out her teen life runner checks the receipt and the price, she put $86.75 on her calculator and put back her teen life runner in her bag)
(at the Pickle's house)
(Daria checks the refigerator, gets out veggies for Susie and Angelica and a tuna fish sandwich wrapped in ziplock labled "Daria" and picks up 5 bottles for the babies)
(Daria leaves to give the babies their bottles)
Susie: Angelica, give up the dream, you are not gonna eat your veggies, I know you.
Angelica: Don't you understand, it's the Cynthia Spice Doll and I'm gonna do everything in my right, even eat my veggies, to get that doll!
(Daria comes back)
(Angelica looks at her bean sprouts)
Angelica: (VO) Cynthia! Cynthia! Cynthia! Cynthia! Cynthia! Cynthia! Cynthia! Cynthia! Cynthia! Cynthia! Do it for Cynthia!
(Angelica grabs a spoonful of concoction and swallows her bean sprouts with one big gulp.)
(Susie's jaw drops in dismay.)
Angelica: Mmmmmm! Burp!
(in the living room)
(singing "A baby is a gift from a bob", with a little help from a tape Boris recorded his accordion from)
(We see Susie singing and dancing.)
Susie: A baby is really neat
A baby is a special treat
A baby is like a rose
A baby has a tiny nose
(Daria looks a little queasy)
(OS) A baby is a little chicken
A baby is a cuddly chicken
A baby is lots of joy
Angelica: A baby will get all the toys!
Susie: (speaking) not again!
(singing) A baby has a smiley face
Angelica: A baby is from outer space!
Susie: (talking, whispering) Angelica!
Angelica: (talking, whispering) Susie!
(Daria still looks queasy)
Susie: (singing, OS) A baby is extra fancy
Angelica: (OS) A baby poops in his pansies!
(cut back to Angelica and Susie)
Susie: (screaming) CUT IT OUT!
Angelica: (screaming) NO!
Susie: (singing) Like a birdie singing in a tree
Angelica: (singing) More like Reptar screaming in your ear
Both: (singing) A baby is a gift
A gift from a bob
A baby is a gift from a bob, bob, bob
(while Angelica and Susie sing their song, we go to Tommy and the rest of the gang.)
Chuckie: No, Tommy I'm not gonna be part of your dumb plan!
Tommy: Don't worry Chuckie, we'll start when Angelica and Susie play some game.
(the tape becomes eaten)
Daria: The tape has been eaten, why don't you ask your Uncle Boris to make a CD out of this.
Susie: Sorry that's the only tape he made.
Angelica: Let's sing again without the music!
(Daria moves up her left eyebrow)
(Susie and Angelica play cemetery)
Susie: I win!
Daria: Okay, that's enough cemetery. Let's play a new game. Its called Lichen.
Susie and Angelica: Yeah!
Daria:Here are the rules. Lie on the floor and make believe you're a fungus on an old tree trunk. First one to move, or drop a spore, loses.
(Daria sneaks out and calls Jane while Daria sneaks out, Tommy and the gang passes by her and goes to Angelica and Susie playing Lichen)
Daria: Hey, Grandma, it's time for your darn pill.
Daria: You were supposed to be here an hour ago. I'm desperate.
Jane: I had to wait for my ride. Trent just got back from rehearsal, relax, I'm on my way.
(Tommy tugs Angelica's dress.)
Susie: Angelica dropped a spore...
Angelica: You dumb babies!
(Tommy becomes shocked)
Tommy: I thought you were nice to us.
Angelica: The only reason I was nice to you is so I can get myself that Cynthia Spice Girl doll!
Susie: (VO) Figures.
Phil: I told you it's his fault!
Lil and Chuckie: Yeah!
(Phil, Lil, and even Chuckie are mad at Tommy and he replied with a smirk)
Dil: (OS) POOPIE!
Daria: (pleading) Poopie...
(Commercial Break: We see 4 squares which Phil is on the 1st square, Chuckie in the 2nd square, Lil in the 3rd square and Tommy smirking in the 4th square and Phil, Chuckie, and Lil (all angry) look at Tommy in a bad way.)
Angelica: Quinn always lets me fix her hair.
Daria: Her bouncy hair? Find something else to do.
Angelica: I guess we can listen to the tape some more as soon as we fix it.
Daria: Okay, the hair it is.
Susie: I'll shine your shoes!
Daria: Are you good little girls?
Angelica and Susie: Yes!
Daria: Do you always follow good judgement?
Daria: But what if you're good when you only want something?
Angelica: (starts to cry and leaves)
Susie: (pulls Daria's hair) I like you!
Daria: (opening door) Thank god you're here.
(Daria looks like Angelica.)
Jane: All hail, Pippi Longstocking. Hey Trent, come look at this!
(Daria pulls Jane in and slams door)
(15 minutes later)
(all the rugrats have taken a bath and Angelica and Susie are dressed already.)
Daria: When did you learn to baby-sit?
(Jane changes the rugrats' diapers)
Jane: I used to help with my sister Summer's kids. Till they got old enough to run away. Okay kids, we're all suited up so it's time to blast off to sleepy land!
Daria: I guess I just don't speak the language.
Angelica: But you have to read us a bedtime story first.
Daria: (looking through books) The Leonardo DiCaprio Pop-Up Book, A Bug's Life: The Linda Tripp Story, Babe: Pig in South Central, LA.
Jane: The Ten Commandments for the Elimination of Gangsta Rap Activity Book by Congresswoman Janet Reno with illustrations by No Limit Records.
Daria: Isn't there something decent to read?
Jane: Got some old classic nursery rhymes over here.
Daria: They'll do.
Daria: There was an old woman who lived in a shoe and she didn't knew what to do, until she found her ex-husband on Jerry Springer and beat the heck out of him like Reptar did to that building in all of his movies.
Susie: That's not how it goes.
Angelica: But I like it better this way.
Jane: Rodney be nimble, Rodney be quick, a few cops came over with big black nightsticks.
Daria: So Little Miss Muffet called the exterminator and annihilated the dumb spider.
Jane: Twinkle, twinkle little star, what's that mushroom cloud from up above?
Daria:And the truth is, in reality, there will be no family like the Candids from "7th Heaven".
Angelica: Wow, you guys are smart.
Daria: I think that's enough for tonight. Night kids.
Susie and Angelica: Night!
(Daria and Jane leave.)
(The phone rings.)
Phil: I am not getting it.
(Tommy looks at Lil.)
Lil: Don't look at me!
(Tommy looks at Chuckie)
Chuckie: NO, Tommy! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!
Tommy: Come on, Chuckie! Trust me on this!
(Tommy whispers in Chuckie's ear)
(Chuckie stands up and looks at Phil and Lil)
Chuckie: Whatever Tommy says, goes!
Phil and Lil: Yeah!
(The phone is still ringing.)
(Chuckie picks up the phone.)
Chuckie: Ga Ga Goo Goo.
Stu: (on the other line) Hello, Chuckie? Hello? Helooo? (inside the car) We better come home.
(in the living room)
Daria: Well, they're finally asleep. Think you can fix that?
Jane: (fiddling with remote) Think I can fix it?
Television: Tonight, on "Sick, Sad World", prime time specials about people just like you, only more pathetic.
Daria: Just in time.
(in the kitchen)
(Tommy puts 10 tablespoons of sugar in Angelica's hot milk.)
Tommy: Almost done!
(Chuckie, Phil and Lil are supporting Tommy at the bottom.)
Phil: UUUUNGH! Hurry up!
(back to Daria and Jane)
Jane: I guess you're not going to work on your paper.
Daria: I'll have to get an extension. Right now I'm having trouble remembering my own name.
Angelica: Can I have a drink of hot milk?
(Daria goes to the kitchen.)
Susie: Cool! Melrose Place!
Angelica: Oh, busted!
Susie: This is fun! You're my favorite baby-sitter Daria.
Angelica: Me too!
Daria: (coming back with the milk) Just don't tell your parents we let you stay up late.
Angelica: Do we look stupid or something?
(Angelica starts to drink the hot milk.)
Daria: So much progress in one night.
(outside Daria's house)
Skylar: So when do you want to go out again?
Quinn: How about a week from Thursday? I'm booked until then.
Skylar: I thought you were my girlfriend now.
Quinn: But I can't cancel all my other dates. I have to stick to my commitments. Besides, I wrote them down in pen.
(Quinn gives Skylar the teen life runner.)
Skylar: Wednesday, Eric? But he's my best friend! And who's Bob?
Quinn: No that's B period O period B period. It stands for boy on bike. I didn't catch his name.
Skylar: Let me see that!
Skylar: Wow, what's this! Long term plans, September break up with
Skylar: October go out with Taylor?
Quinn: His parents have a ski house!
(Skylar gives Quinn the teen life runner and walks away.)
Skylar: (VO) Stupid Girl!
(at the Pickle's house)
(Daria wakes up, found a note beside her that said," You needed the help. Sincerely, Jane. P.S.: The TV Block Chip code is,"Dil"."
(Daria hears a knock on the door.)
Didi: (VO) Daria, hello?
(Daria types in "Dil" with the remote control and it turns back to the WB and gets to the door.)
Didi: Hi Daria, how did it go, any problems?
Daria: It sure is hard to tear them away from their oral hygiene routines. But other than that...
Didi: Well, thanks for coming over. That movie was such a utter waste of time.
Daria: You're telling me.
Stu: But there's only 1 god thing about it.
Daria: What could that be?
Stu: The "Star Wars: Episode I" Trailer!
(Daria rolls her eyes.)
(We found Angelica awake.)
Didi: Angelica, why aren't you asleep?
Angelica: I can't sleep. It must be the milk.
Didi: (angry) If you didn't go to sleep, you know what that means, no Cynthia Spice Girl doll for you!
Angelica: Aunt Didi!
Didi: We'll leave that up to Daria!
Daria: I'll tuck her in.
(Daria and Angelica go into Tommy's bedroom)
Daria: OK, here.
(Daria gives Angelica the Cynthia Spice doll.)
Angelica: (getting into bed) Alright, state your terms.
Daria: Just don't be someone you aren't. Night.
(Daria turns off the lights.)
(at school, in Mr. DeMartino's History class)
Mr. DeMartino: Brittany, although your topic, "The Cult of Abs" was an intriguing one, I'm afraid that the choice of photo collage, rather than actual text, did not work to your advantage.
Brittany: D, bummer. And I ruined all my magazines!
Mr. DeMartino: Your paper was excellent, Daria. And the original research was thought provoking, although it would probably be consider a felony in most states.
(in the hallway)
Jane: "The Real-Life Experiment in Mind Control Deprogramming."
Daria: Subtitled, "Don't you ever wish you were someone else?" I guess I got inspired.
Jane: Talk about an efficient use of quality time.
(at the Pickle's house)
(Angelica eats her veggies.)
Angelica: (with food in her mouth) Now I know what she means.
(Closing song: "Gimme Some More" by Busta Rhymes.)
(In the closing credits, we see Tommy dressed up like Kevin Thompson, Phil dressed up like Trent Lane, Lil dressed up like Jane Lane, Chuckie dressed up like Upchuck, Susie dressed up like Jodie, Angelica dressed up like Brittany, Angelica again dressed up this time like Daria, Helen dressed up like Didi, Jake dressed up like Stu, Jodie dressed up like Susie, Quinn dressed up like Angelica, Trent dressed up like Chuckie but the sweater has long sleeves and Chuckie's short has become pants.)
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