The Tweenage Rugrats In:
"All Star Secrets"

By Dwayne Anderson & Steve Mindykowski

The tweenage Rugrats are in New York, making an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman.

Dave: Our next guests have wowed fans from young and old for about 12 years on a hit TV series on Nickelodeon. Now in their teens, they will be appearing soon in a new TV series called "All Grown Up". Let's welcome The Rugrats.

The Rugrats come on stage and sit on the couch next to Dave's desk.

Dave: Hi kids, nice for you to be here.

Tommy: Hello, Dave.

Dave: In April, "All Grown Up" will debut on Nick. What will it be about?

Chuckie: It'll feature us at teens, attending a local middle school, and doing things teenagers do best.

Dave: Very interesting. I understand that we have a clip from that series, don't we?

Biff (the stage manager): No we don't, Dave.

Dave: We gotta have some kind of brief clip.

Biff: Sorry, but the guys at Nick are too tight with their information. As a matter of fact, they did give me some clips -- paper clips.

Dave: Time to recycle my old GE jokes, I guess.

The audience laughs.

Dave: Sorry we don't have a clip, but lets talk about you guys, okay.

Tommy: Sure.

Dave: We'll start with you, Tommy Pickles. I understand that your favorite subjects in school are English and History.

Tommy: Actually Dave, my favorite subjects are Science and Math, not English and History.

Dave: Oh, sorry, but you do like to play Hopscotch, do you?

Tommy: Actually, I've never enjoyed that game.

Dave: Maybe you have a lapse of memory? I think you're a couple cards short of a deck.

Tommy: What?! I'm not stupid! My IQ is 156! I'm a smart boy! I'm not stupid! And I don't enjoy Hopscotch!

Dave: Okay; next, I'll talk with Dil Pickles, who, according to this slip of paper, has teeny tiny feet.

Dil: No I don't! Take a look at my shoes! Do they look small?

Dave: My bad. Though you do like to keep your underwear clean and fresh by storing them in the freezer.

Dil: Hey, I do not wear underwear that is even kept in the freezer!

Dave: I understand, Dil, that you like to be a comedian when you grow up.

Dil: Right.

Dave: But you're already getting really bad reviews from the critics.

Dil: But everybody likes my jokes!

Dave: I understand that your dad, Stu, is very popular.

Dil: That's correct.

Dave: Especially as the host of "Tic Tac Dough".

Dil: My dad's an inventor, not a game show host. And besides -- that game show's not on anymore.

Dave: Alright, and now you two, Phil and Lil Deville. America's favorite twins -- who hate each other.

Lil: No we don't! Me and Phil love each other!

Dave: ...and whose marriage is on the rocks.

Phil: I can't marry her! She's my sister!

Dave: ... and have a strange craving for hardened cement.

Lil: Hey, we do not!

Phil: We'd break our teeth!

Dave: But, both of you have skeletons in your closets -- you're still aren't potty trained.

Phil: What?!

Lil: That's a lie!

Dave: I only ask what the writers tell me.

Phil: Sez you!

Lil: None of this stuff is true what he says!

Dave: Let's move on to Chuckie Finster -- the bravest of the bunch.

Chuckie: No it's the opposite. I'm a coward.

Dave: Oh by the way Chuckie -- yesterday on "The Price Is Right", an old lady didn't get the wheel all the way around in the Showcase Showdown, and the audience said...BOO!

Chuckie yelps in fright. The announcer and audience laugh.

Dave: I understand you also have a strange craving -- for bugs.

Chuckie: I think you're referring to Phil.

Dave: Now tell us about the romance with your best friend's cousin.

Chuckie: No I don't! Angelica hates us!

Dave: And so do we. BOO!

Chuckie dives under his chair as the audience and announcer laugh.

Dave: Now let's meet Kimi Finster, who is the Rugrats' token Australian.

Kimi: Not really. I'm from Paris, although I'm actually Japanese.

Dave: Wimp.

Kimi: Hey! I'm not a wimp. I'm a very strong girl. I can beat everybody at junior wrestling and arm-wrestling.

Dave: Tell us about the time you gave Tom Cruise a black eye last year, while you attended the world premiere of "Vanilla Sky".

Kimi: What?! I'm a big fan of him! I would never do something like that to him!

Dave: Nicole Kidman's probably sent you loads of hate mail.

Kimi: That's all a pack of lies! Everything you said was false!

Dave: And now Susie. Susie Carmichael. Wearing a wig.

Susie: No I'm not. This is my own hair.

Dave: You originally came here from Brasil...

Susie: Actually, I've always lived in America. My ancestors were from Africa.

Dave: Is it tough being an only child, Susie?

Susie: Not true. I'm the youngest of four kids. I have two brothers and one sister. To be honest, you're a liar! Your comments are nothing but lies!

Dave: And now, we'll meet the oldes of the bunch, Angelica Pickles -- a stereotypical dumb blonde.

Angelica: Hey! That's not true! And that wasn't very nice!

Dave: That's a nice dress you're wearing.

Angelica: Thank you.

Dave: I bet you stole that dress.

Angelica: Are you crazy?! My mother bought me this dress!

Dave: Let's see the receipt.

Angelica: I don't have it! It's been over a year ago -- I don't keep track of those things!

Dave: See, what did I tell you?

Angelica snarls.

Dave: And boy, are you ugly.

Angelica: What?! How dare you say something like that!

Dave: ... on top of being a dress thief and dumb blonde.

Angelica: That's a lie! I'll have my parents sue!

Dave: It's been a pleasure for all of you to come in tonight.

Angelica: Yeah, right.

Dave: You can catch these kids next week on a special episode of The Simpsons on Fox.

Tommy: Wait a minute!

Chuckie: None of that stuff is true!

Phil: You lied about everything!

Lil: You liar!

Dil: You think you're so funny don't you?!

Dave: I should mention that the questions for tonight's guests are provided to me by the good writers at (glances at card) -- Weekly World News?

Susie: What a booger brain!

Angelica: He's a bad man!

Kimi: What are we waiting for?! Get him!

Dave: Uh oh! I'm getting out of here! We'll be right back for tonight's Top Ten List!

Dave runs out of the studio, chased by the Rugrats, as the audience applauds.

The End

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