Faire Play

Contributed and compiled by Kathleen Kremer.

Grandpa:And so the good knight drew his deadly sword and slayed the dragon.

(cut to page on the storybook that Grandpa is reading in the car to Tommy, Chuckie, Phil, and Lil; Stu & Didi (Tommy's mom and dad) are also in the car)

Didi: Pop! You promised! No scary stories!

Grandpa: Fine! So the big strong knight, um, kissed a harmless, little magic frog (kissed a toy frog that was on the window) and received his wish of... happiness, and the dragon flew away and what not. (puts frog back on the window) The end. There. Is that mamby-pamby enough for ya?

Didi: That was very nice Pop.

Phil: Fairy Tale Land sounds fun.

Tommy: Yeah, in Fairy Tale Land they ride horsies and play all the time and-

Lil: - kiss magic frogs.

Phil: Yeah, I wish we "was" in fairy tale land.

Chuckie: Don't do it Phil!

Phil: Why not?

Chuckie: You don't know where that froggy's been.

Phil: I don't care! I wish we "was" in Fairy Tale Land. (kisses the toy frog; they then go through a tunnel and end up near the Renaissance Festival)

Babies: Wow!

Tommy: Phil, you did it! You wished us right into Fairy Land.

Lil: Wow! It looks just like that pictures in the book.

Tommy: Yeah, there's a castle and horsies and knights and-

Chuckie: Oh, this is bad.

Tommy: What's wrong Chuckie?

Chuckie: What's wrong? Well, if they've got castles and horsies and knights, then they've probably got dragons too, and dragons eat people Tommy!

Tommy: Don't be "ascared" Chuckie. If there were dragons, we would have seen one by now.

(the tarp blows off what is in the cart on the back of the car, to reveal a metal dragon)

(cut to the parking lot; Stu and Grandpa work to get the dragon off the cart)

Didi: I'm taking the kids in now. Are you two going to be okay in that thing?

Stu: We'll be just fine Deed. Just because it exploded in the basement-

Grandpa: Please take me with you!

Stu: Pop!

(Didi leaves with the kids)

Stu: It's taken me four years, but I think I've finally cracked the secret to the perfect dragon: duel controls.

Grandpa: Oh, you've cracked something, all right.

(Stu removes the tarp from the rest of the dragon)

Stu: The kids are going to love this.

(cut to Didi coming out of the costume shop; the kids are now dressed in medieval costumes)

Didi: Now, we'll get you kids into Ye Old Day Care.

(the "king, queen, and court" of the festival pass)

Kids: Wow!

(cut to king and queen on their throne; trumpets herald the arrival of a "knight")

Heralder: And now, let the jousting tournaments beginnith!

Didi: Oh look! It's the good knight.

Phil: Wow. Look it!

Lil: Look at the sheeps (?) . What are you looking for Chuckie?

Chuckie: If there's a knight, there's got to be a dragon around here somewhere!

(cut to owner of the Renaissance festival (Mr. Koch), in his office at his desk; his secretary enters)

Secretary: Uh, Mr. Koch. Your dragon is here.

Mr. Koch: Boy, I hope Stu didn't go overboard again this year. (pulls open the blinds to see Stu and Grandpa struggling to get into the metal dragon)

Secretary: Man overboard!

(Stu starts the dragon, and it backfires, leaving his face black with soot)

Mr. Koch: Can't we fire him?

Secretary: He's a volunteer, sir.

Mr. Koch: Well, ya get what you pay for.

(cut to Didi in front of Ye Old Day Care with the kids)

Didi: Oh, uh, raiseth thy gate, good sir, that I might droppeth off my ki-, kidseth.

Gate Keeper: Yeah, whatever lady. (opens the gate)

(Didi brings the kids inside and places them down in a sandbox)

Didi: Okay, kids. You play here. I'll be just over there in the stained glass booth, uh, staining glass. (she leaves with the stroller; the gate closes)

Tommy: I like Fairy Tale Land. They've got castles and funny clothes and-

Chuckie: Dra-, dra-, dra-, dragons!!!! Yah!!!!

Babies: Wow!

(look out and see the metal dragon; Stu is wrestling with the machine, in its jaws)

Stu: Pop, don't play with the buttons!

(cut back to the babies)

Phil: It really is a dragon.

Lil: And he's fighting your dad.

Phil: Your dad sure is brave!

(Stu climbs into the metal dragon's mouth and pulls a switch)

Stu: Here Pop. Let me help you.

(the dragon's head bobs up and down; Stu legs are sticking out)

Chuckie: Oh no, I think that dragon's eating your dad!

Tommy: Don't be silly Chuckie. He's probably just-

(the dragon's head lurches backwards, and Stu disappears inside the machine)

Stu: Woahh!

Tommy: Oh no! The dragon's eating my dad. (all the babies start to cry)

(cut to Stu and Grandpa inside the dragon)

Stu: Pop, push that button on your right.

(Grandpa pushes it, and the dragon flips upside down)

Stu: Your, your other right.

(cut back to the babies, still crying)

Lil: Way to go Phillip!

Phil: What?

Lil: You're the one that wished us into Fairy Tale Land. You should have known there'd be dragons and stuff, and they would eat Tommy's dad.

Phil: Well, it was your frog, Lillian.

Lil: Well, you kissed it Phillip!

Tommy: Hey, you guys. Stop squabbling. Look!

(a knight rides by on a horse)

Chuckie: Huh! The good knight! I bet he can spear the dragon and save your dad!

Tommy: Come on! We've got to get out of here.

(cut to inside the dragon)

Stu: Okay now, if I just push in the clutch and pop it into first.

(the dragon runs into a tree several times)

Stu: Ow!

Grandpa: Nimbskull!

Stu: Ow!

Grandpa: Feather brain!

Stu: Ow!

Grandpa: Nincompoop!

Mr. Koch: (looking out the window) Aw, that's it. I'm bringing in a professional.

(cut to man in Reptar suit entertaining kids at a birthday party; his cellular phone rings)

Reptar: Hey, that's me.

(cut to Tommy banging into fence with his helmet until part falls apart)

Tommy: See you guys? All centers have a good place for coming out. You just got to use your head.

Chuckie: Look, there he is! (they see the good knight, and run towards him; the metal dragon breaks down the fence behind them)

Knight: Hmmph. Finally I get to have a little fun. (puts down his helmet and charges)

(cut to inside the metal dragon; Stu sees the kids in between his dragon and the charging knight)

Stu: Oh no! The kids! Hang on Pop! (rushes forward)

(cut to outside)

Knight: Woah, woah, woah big fellow.

Chuckie: Oh no, they're coming right at us. Waaahhh!

(the knight's horse stops short and throws him onto the face of the dragon, where he bounces off)

Stu: Incoming!

Knight: Woaaah!

(the knight ends up in a pond; the dragon continues to ruin the props)

Lil: Oh no! It didn't work!

Chuckie: Forget the good knight. Look!

(a frog hops by)

Lil: A frog!

Phil: It might be magic!

Chuckie: Kiss it Phil!

Tommy: Come on you guys!

(they chase after it; the frog goes into a tent with a theater)

Tommy: Where did he go?

Stage Actor: Rapunzel, Rapunzel. Let down your (frog jumps into his hand).... frog?! Ick!

(the babies run across the stage)

Stage Actor: Huh?

(the frog hops into the stained glass tent where Didi is working and the kids follow; the frog lands in the hands of a juggler, he tosses it, and Tommy catches it and puts it in his diaper)

Gate Keeper: Aw, there you are. You little scamps had me lookin' all over the place! (brings the kids back to the day care center; the gate closes and the dragon runs through the daycare and knocks down some more buildings; people scream as they try to get out of the way)

Mr. Koch: (to Reptar) He's already turned my best knight into a rusty pile of scrap, and now look at what he's doing to my playground.

Reptar: How many people have to get hurt before they realize that being a guy in a big green suit is no job for an amateur. Look Neville , now it's too late to help him.

Mr. Koch: There's an extra ten bucks in it for you if you can stop him.

Reptar: Ten bucks? Why didn't you say so. (puts his costume head on)

(cut to the babies watching the destruction; Tommy hands the frog to Phil)

Chuckie: Phil, wish for the good knight to come back!

Lil: No, wish for the dragon to spit up!

Tommy: Save my daddy Phil!

Phil: You know what I really wish? I wish Reptar "was" here! He could beat anybody. (kisses the frog)

Lil: That's a dumb wish Phillip!

(Reptar appears; the babies cheer)

(cut to inside the dragon)

Stu & Grandpa: Help! Hey, hey! Help!

(cut to Reptar grabbing onto the dragon)

Reptar: Don't worry buddy. I'll get you out of there.

Stu: (inside) Come out, it won't open You need to take off the head.

(Reptar struggles to take off the head as the dragon continues to destroy stuff; finally he succeeds, and Stu goes flying into a pile of sand; everyone cheers)

(cut to the family by their car; Stu is shaking hands with Mr. Koch; Grandpa is asleep in the car)

Mr. Koch: Pickles, that was one heck of a show. Now remember, next year it's you and the Reptar guy. Rematch of the century.

Stu: Great Mr. Koch. I think by next year, I can fine tune the wing rutters and get this baby flying like a real dragon. Then I can get some real aerodynamic stuff going, you know, wing walking.

Tommy: (in the car) Thanks for saving my dad Phil.

Chuckie: Good job.

Lil: You did so good Phillip.

Phil: Nah, you can thank Reptar. He's the real hero.

(Reptar gets into his van and drives away; we see the entire park in ruins)

(Caption: "Ye Olde End")